The third season of Crash Bandicoot: N-Ventures! aired on Saturday mornings throughout the 1999-2000 television season.
| Prod. Number | Episode Title | Synopsis | Original Airdate |
| 301 | Crash Team Disgracing (FKA Battle for an Escape from the Conquest of the Planet of the Bandicoots) | One fine day, as the weekend sun rises on the Bandicoots' lovely beach house, Crash is watching Baking Powder Rangers in Space on Wumpavision. However, he is very bored by it. Saturday mornings aren't as amusing as they used to be, he thinks to himself, out loud. Suddenly, however, he is interrupted by the ringing of the bananaphone! He orders Coco to get it. She sighs, and does so. A mysterious stranger on the other end of the line asks for Crash. She sighs again, and takes the phone to him. The mysterious stranger, of whom we only see a mysterious close-up of his mouth, introduces himself as Dr. Nitrous Oxide, Intergalactic Destroyer of All! He's holding a turbo-charged racing tournament across the entire expanse of the Three Islands, with the grand prize being a final ultimate showdown against him for the fate of the Earth. Oxide says that if he is able to beat the Islands' fastest racer in vehicular battle combat, he is legally entitled to take over the islands and use them for his own nefarious whims. Crash questions this, but Oxide says that it's fact - President Papu Papu passed the Vehicular Combat-Based Transferrance of Island Ownership Act last year, as a desperate vote-winning concession to the Demon Crate Party. Crash screeches that politics give him a headache, and slams the phone down! Crash then turns to Coco, and proudly declares that he now has something to do with the weekend. "No Saturday morning can ever be boring when I'm having wacky adventures," he arrogantly fourth-wall-breakingly declares. Meanwhile, Dr. Neo Cortex is attempting to come up with his latest evil scheme. He decides to ask his minions if they have any cool suggestions. Rilla Roo suggests building a science machine that will turn everyone else on Earth into helpless babies. Cortex points out that this will cause increased competition for pacifiers, however, causing Rilla Roo to ask that said plan be stricken from the record. Pinstripe suggests stealing a nuclear warhead cannon and using it to hold the world for ransom. Cortex thinks this sounds too violent. Ripper Roo suggests building the world's biggest TNT crate, and covering its sides with a mural representing the horrors of the class struggle in eighth century Soviet Russia, for a plan that is both evil AND symbolic. Dingodile eagerly volunteers to paint the mural. Cortex likes the plan, but thinks it should wait till later. Dr. Nefarious Tropy suggests going back in time to prevent those pesky Bandicoots from ever being born. Cortex sighs, and implores him to lay off the time travel bit for awhile. Dr. N. Gin suggests simply using his latest invention - the Send It Send It Send It Baby, To New York or Chicago or Somewhere Else Maybe, It'll Go Anywhere You Please, With Quite Relative Ease, Unless Mr. Postman Encounters a Pup with Rabies! - to ship Crash off to some foreign country where he can no longer bother them. Cortex thinks this sounds entirely too simple. Dr. Nitrus Brio has nothing, so Cortex just moves on. Komodo Joe and Komodo Moe suggest disguising their swords as bananaphones so they can infiltrate the Bandicoots' home with ease. Cortex says it's brilliant schemes like that that make them his long-standing favourite minions, but nonetheless turns down the idea anyway for some reason. Tiny Tiger suggests letting Crash and Coco join the Cortie Troop so they can be friends instead of enemies, and then they can all have a sleepover! This enrages Cortex, who grounds Tiny for life! Tiny hangs his head in shame, and shuffles off to the Grounding Corner. Scene Transition Bill and Let's Move On Already Larry suggest being done for the moment and holding off till a bit later, which Cortex agrees is a terrific plan. Uka Uka yells at Cortex for failing the "coming up with a scheme-of-the-week" scheme, but Cortie just shrugs. Meanwhile, Crash is excited about the upcoming race. He asks Coco if she wants to join in the racing tournament, but she declines. She already did the racing thing once, and it just wasn't intellectually stimulating. Instead, she's going to go protest the Papu administration. Crash screams at her for polluting his house with politics, so she just leaves. Crash just shrugs, and asks Aku Aku if he will accompany him out to the garage. Aku agrees; unbeknownst to him, we see Crash grabbing an electric sander and grinning deviously. Meanwhile, in Tribe Town, Papu Papu is lecturing his newly hired receptionists, Speary Spencer and Shieldy Sheldon. He explains for them the three most important rules of representing an important President like him. Number one: Don't let anyone into his office. Number two: PLEASE do not let anyone into his office. Number three: Help him get his important Presidential work done without distraction, by NOT LETTING ANYONE INTO THE OFFICE! Spencer and Sheldon say they understand fully, so Papu Papu thanks them for their cooperation, and goes off into his office to get some work done. Spencer and Sheldon exchange some small talk about how delightful it is to be working for the leader of the Free Wump. Suddenly, Coco enters the lobby. The two Tribe Assistants think for a second, and then introduce themselves, as Secretary Spencer and You're Unwelcome Here Sheldon. Coco asks if she can speak with the President. Spencer and Sheldon agree, and show her into his office. Papu, predictably, shouts angry tribal nonsense at them. Meanwhile, Crash is dragging Pura through the house by his tail. Crash insists that Pura should see what he's done, but Pura whines that he isn't interested! Regardless, they enter the garage, where Crash shows off the product of his hard labour - the camera pans over to show that Aku Aku has been painfully fashioned into a makeshift soapbox derby racer. Pura is suddenly impressed, and wishes Crash the best of luck in tomorrow's race. We fade into a montage of Crash winning numerous races - on something that looks like Crash Cove, something similar to Coco Park, and some more generic-looking tracks - all set to the tune of this week's musical number, "It's My Kartie and I'll Drive if I Want To!". At the conclusion of this travesty, we cut back to Crash's house, where he has arranged his numerous first-place gold trophies into a classy Wumpavision stand. His attempts to watch this week's episode of the classic notebook-themed sitcom I Love Looseleaf, however, are interrupted by another bananaphone call. Crash bellows for Coco to get it, but Pura notes that she hasn't returned yet. Crash demands that Pura get it instead! Pura complies, and picks it up. It's Oxide again - and again, we only see mysterious closeups of his mysterious mouth. Oxide asks to speak to Crash. Pura sighs, and hands the phone to the bandicoot. Oxide politely congratulates him on his impressive series of wins. Crash agrees that they were impressive. Oxide, however, cuts right to the point - he's starting to have doubts about his vehicular combat abilities, but he MUST have the Three Islands, to fulfil his evil plan of converting them into three parking lots. As such, he's willing to offer Crash a tidy sum of one billion dollars if he throws the upcoming fight! Crash is visibly stunned as he hangs up. He nervously asks Pura what he should do. Pura thinks he should take the money - just imagine how much egg fried rice they could afford then! Crash doesn't like eggs, so he departs the house to go see his therapist, Dr. Polar over on Polar Pass Island. Polar tells him that integrity is always more important than money, and advises Crash to fight for the safety of the Three Islands. He then offers Crash a cone of delicious Mint Wumpolate Chip ice cream. Crash gladly accepts, but thinks he needs a second opinion. He departs to see his other therapist, Dr. Nitrus Brio. Brio says that money is the very best thing in the world, and that he should throw the fight, hands down. Brio then offers Crash a Wumpa Beaker. Crash accepts it, and drinks it. It turns him into a Wumpa Fruit, but only for a split second. Nonetheless, Crash says it was the most thrilling experience of his life, and thanks Brio for his assistance. Later that night, however, the seemingly innocuous Brio approaches Cortex, and reveals his idea for an evil scheme - Crash is virtually guaranteed to throw the kart fight. If Cortex illegally gambles all his money on Dr. Oxide to win, he'll become an extremely rich man! Cortex likes this scheme very much. So do Black Jack Bill and Lavender Jill Larry, the latter of which is "hilariously" wearing a dress. Meanwhile, Coco is still speaking with President Papu Papu. She says that while she usually agrees with the Demon Crates, the Vehicular Combat-Based Transferrance of Island Ownership Act is simply going too far. Why, it's a total violation of the Separation of Clutch and State! Papu Papu nervously tries to change the subject by offering the little girl a Wumparice Twist, but she refuses. She came here for a reason! She just won't back down, so finally, Papu breaks down, weeping. She's right, he knows she's right! Forget the upcoming election - the Act, he bellows, is repealed as of five minutes ago! Papu thanks Coco, and asks Secretary Spencer and You're Unwelcome Here Sheldon to show her the door. Extremely predictably, they literally show off the door to Papu's office, bragging extensively about its aromatic cedar construction. Meanwhile, Crashie is inside his soapbox Aku kart thingy, still undecided about his upcoming decision. He is so worried that he enters an elaborate badly animated hallucination dream sequence thingy. The entire world has been covered in parking lots, and it looks really quite miserable. Scores of ghosts of fallen ferns surround him, cursing him for destroying nature! Crash is terrified, but suddenly, Pura pulls up to save him, in a diamond-plated limousine. Inside, Crash is stunned to find a 600-inch platinum-plated Wumpavision! But that's not all, says Pura - the limousine also has its own Chinese restaurant! Suddenly, Frenchie Waiter pops up, in stereotypical Chinese-style garb, and offers Crashie an all-you-can-eat platter of Wump Fried Rice. But it's not just any Wump Fried Rice, says Frenchie - it's Wump Fried Rice fried...on the burning-hot asphalt covering the former Wumpahara Desert! Crash asks if it's really safe to eat. "Confucius say: Oui oui, Monsieur!" Crash digs in and, indeed, it is literally the best thing he has ever eaten. "I like being rich," he declares! Suddenly, though, he is snapped back to reality, in his lousy Aku-car, as Dr. Nitrous Oxide steps into the ring, and is revealed to be an alien, to Crash's surprise. This is also supposed to be shocking to us, but it was kind of already obvious from his mouth anyway. Oxide demands that they get right down to business, so they do. To the accompaniment of the somewhat-harder-edged-but-not-terribly-different-overall "It's My Kartie and I'll Fight if I Want To!", Crash and Oxide take turns breaking ! Crates and hurling the weapons inside, terrifying water balloons, at each other - Crash makes sure to take all of Oxide's attacks, while deliberately making sure his own miss their target. By the end of the song, however, he realises there's a problem. Aku Aku's resilient wood armour is rendering the water balloons useless! As a desperate measure, he enacts plan B. Crash stands up in his kart, and shouts, "Shakespeare was overrated!". This attracts the vicious ire of Dingodile, who stands up from his seat in the audience and breathes a massive fireball at Crash, burning his Aku-kart down to ashes. Oxide wins! The crowd boos him, but he doesn't care, as he now owns the island! "Not so fast", cries a voice from backstage. It's Papu Papu! He steps into the arena with Coco, and announces that the Vehicular Combat-Based Transferrance of Island Ownership Act has been repealed by both the House of Wumpresentatives AND the Spinate. Oxide starts whining - now he has to think of ANOTHER scheme to fulfil his parking lot ambitions! He also loudly screeches that Crash won't be getting his money for throwing the battle, since it ultimately meant nothing. Coco is shocked that Crash would've done such a thing in the first place, but he apologises to her, saying that he's learned that his sister is more important than being a multi-billionaire. They uncomfortably embrace, as the crowd awwwwwws. Meanwhile, in Cortex Castle, Uka Uka is steaming mad! Apparently, the law change rendered Cortex's bet null and void, so he lost money on that "surefire" tip after all. Cortex tries to explain that there was no way to predict Papu Papu's waffling, but Uka Uka will have none of it, and he's tired of Cortex repeatedly failing at the "building up a hefty retirement fund for Uka Uka" scheme! Cortex reluctantly decides that they'll have to resort to trying another evil scheme. He calls Dingodile and Ripper Roo in, and says that it is NOW mural time. Dingo and Roo nod, and together they explain to Cortex, and the children at home, that gambling is terrible and wrong. He implores them all to force their parents to boycott the city of Las Vegas, immediately, for the good of the nation. | 9/11/1999 |
| 303 | Nitrous Talkside Radio | One day in Cortex Castle, Dr. Neo Cortex unveils his newest scheme to his minions. Ripper Roo, Rilla Roo, Tiny Tiger, Dingodile, Komodo Moe, Komodo Joe, Pinstripe, Dr. N Gin, Dr. Nefarious Tropy, and Dr. Nitrus Brio are all present, as is the great Uka Uka. And Bill and Larry. Cortie wants to create a rocket so he can destroy the Hubble Wumpascope. Uka Uka laughs at the scheme's brilliance. Tiny agrees, as he would love to hug a Wumpascope. Pinstripe thinks the mission will be too easy, but he agrees to it anyway. Ripper Roo offers some TNT crates to use. Tropy is concerned about whether or not there will be enough time for this scheme. But doctors Brio and Gin are annoyed. "What's the point?", Brio asks. Cortex is angry, and he dismisses the two from their duties. Uka Uka yells at Cortex for firing them, but Cortex just shrugs, and quickly asks Dingodile what he thinks of this scheme. Dingodile says he likes the Wumpascope, but he also likes working for Cortex, so he won't complain. Cortex smiles. Meanwhile, at the Bandicoot home, Aku Aku and Coco are seen arguing. Coco believes it's quite possible to gain world peace, while Aku Aku thinks it's an unlikely occurance. Crash, watching Wumpavision as usual, gets annoyed. He turns the volume up to drown the two out, but it ends up getting so loud that the Wumpavision breaks. It won't turn on anymore! Crash quickly yells at his housemates. Aku Aku and Coco quickly quiet down. Crash complains about the broken Wumpavision. Coco just sighs, and gives her brother her old Wump radio in order to shut him up. This, surprisingly, interests Crashie! The next day, on the streets, Gin and Brio are seen panhandling. They are holding up a cardboard sign that reads, "Will work for evil". Suddenly, a huge beam of light appears out of the sky. They are abducted! It is quickly revealed that it's Dr. Nitrous Oxide! He explains that he saw their sign, and will be happy to let them work for him. All he asks is that they support his scheme of turning the Three Islands into a parking lot. Brio and Gin see no problem with this. Oxide just smiles, as the scene fades into a commercial. Meanwhile, at the Bandicoot home, Crashie is seen surfing through the Wump radio. He keeps hearing music (all from the Crash Bandicoot video games) until he reaches a news call-in show. This interests our furry friend. The voices on the show are extremely familiar, though. The scene scrolls out to a radio antenna on Cortex Island. We scroll down, and see that the antenna is attached to N. Gin's missile! He and Brio are hosting a radio show. Together! They discuss, at length, how awesome it would be if everything was covered in pavement. Crashie, still listening, claims that he is prone to agree, but needs more reason. Brio announces the guest for tonight's broadcast: Star of Glazing Saddles, Melbrook Gabbons. Gabbons talks to Gin and Brio at length about the parking lot scheme, and agrees to take part. This put Crashie over the edge! He wants to do his part to help "the guys on the Wump radio" pave all over the Three Islands. When Coco hears of this, she is shocked! Aku Aku asks Coco why she would be surprised though. Crash is a very impressionable rodent. Coco just sighs. The next day, Crash grabs a wheelbarrow full of gravel and gets to work. He's trying to pave the house! Oh no! Coco and Aku Aku realize what they must do! They must repair the Wumpavision before it's too late! Meanwhile, in the radio studio, Brio and Gin are recording another show. They allow call-ins. Papu Papu calls, and asks if the programme will support his upcoming reelection in exchange for state funds for the scheme. Oxide runs in, wet, and wearing a towel on his head (possibly from a shower). He announces, on-air, how he fully endorses Papu. The next call is Crashie, simply explaining how big of a fan he is. This annoys Gin, as he hates that bandicoot! The satellite begins to shake. The receivers is losing a lot of its greatness. But it still has power. It's still working. Meanwhile, Cortex and Pinstripe are seen in a rocket ship deep in space. They have the Hubble Wumpascope in their sights. Pinstripe takes out a cannon, and fires it immediately. Success! He hits the Wumpascope! The Wumpascope begins to shake, and it falls out of orbit. We get to see its cartoony fall. Meanwhile, back at the radio studio, Oxide is starting to panic. N. Gin's receiver is losing its signal! He really hopes it's possible for something to fix it. Just then, the Hubble Wumpascope falls, and lands right on N. Gin, destroying the receiver entirely. Oxide just screams in terror, then flees the scene by flapping his arms to fly away. Meanwhile, back at the Bandicoot home, Crashie loses his reception on the Wump radio and is angry now! He demands Coco and Aku Aku fix his Wumpavision, and fast. Coco tinkers with it, but Crash is still angry. He starts throwing chunks of gravel at Coco and Aku Aku. "This is getting out of hand!", Aku exclaims. Coco agrees, and in a quick moment of brilliance, she develops an idea. She grabs Aku Aku and shoves him into the back of the Wumpavision. "Horray! The Wumpavision is fixed!", Crashie cries out in excitement. He turns it on, only to see an annoying news wumport, starring Aku Aku with a humanoid body. Aku's news report explains that it is best to never turn the volume too high on anything, as it might make your parents' ears explode. | 9/18/1999 |
| 304 | Rhythm and Bleus (FKA Coming N. Tractions, The Gherking and I, Triumph of the Dill) | One fine evening, a looooong limousine, with a Gold Relic for a classy hood ornament, pulls up to Tribe Town's classiest restaurant: Lé Pétít Bóúfféé. Tiny Tiger - wearing a nametag that reads "Tiny Tig-Chauffeur" - steps out from the front, and walks all the way to the back, where he opens the other door. Dr. Nefarious Tropy steps out....followed by his new girlfriend, Dr. Nellibelle Traction (Tara Charendoff)! "It's the most exciting day of my life," declares Tropy, "I'm finally having my first date with a lady!" Tiny retorts that girls are gross. After an awkward pause, he asks what the "romantics-themed name" Tropy gave him means. He doesn't get it! He's too afraid to even try pronouncing it! A frustrated Tropy immediately bellows that Tiny is grounded for life, but then he notices that Traction is giggling at Tiny's "adorable" mistake. Wishing not to displease her, he swallows his pride and un-grounds Tiny. This makes Tiny smile INTENSELY, complete with accompanying tail wagging. He says that Tropy's the nicest man he's ever met, and that he will find some way to "replay" his "kindiness". Tropy just sighs, and nods, and enters Lé Pétít Bóúfféé with Nellibelle in tow. Inside, they are greeted by Tropy's best friend in the whole wide world, Frenchie Waiter! Frenchie shows them to their seats, but Tropy pulls him aside for a second. Tropy explains that this is his one shot at true love, and if Frenchie ruins it, he'll be angry! After all, his biological clock is ticking! Frenchie tells Tropy to put his mind at ease - he'd never do anything to betray his old college buddy! Frenchie goes on to say that he thinks love is the most important thing in the world, and assures Tropy that if he ruined this he'd feel "absolutely positively Eiffel". His mind at ease, Tropy returns to the table to look over Lé Ménú with his lady. Tropy says he thinks the Filet Macaroon sounds good, but Traction says she's far more interested in the Liver Patty. However, the two adorably agree that the one thing that looks good to both of them is their relationship. Meanwhile, Crashie is watching Timmy Buffetron the Wumpire Mayor. In a scene from the show, we see Timmy Buffetron (a horrific robot parody of Jimmy Buffett, voiced by Kevin Michael Richardson) passing a law outlawing Wumpire Bats forever; his secretary, a Wumpire (Tara Charendoff) protests the law, but Timmy simply responds by launching into a rendition of his famous song, "Wumpa-Fruita-Ville". Crashie just shrugs; maybe he's been watching Wumpavision too much lately, because none of this makes any sense to him. He reluctantly vows to go outside and get some fresh air, but only for tonight. Meanwhile, Tropy and Traction are still studying Lé Ménú. Suddenly, they are interrupted by Emcee Bill and MacLarry (the latter of whom is an awkward Scottish stereotype), who announce that tonight is Romantic Entertainment Night at Lé Pétít Bóúfféé! Tropy and Traction just smile at the lucky coincidence. Emcee Bill then introduces tonight's first performer: Coco Bandicoot! She takes the stage, and starts playing a soulful blues number, but all the lovebirds in the crowd quickly boo her off the stage for being too depressing. Enraged at the terrible entertainment, Tropy steps aside to have a word with Frenchie Waiter again. Frenchie tries to apologise for the performance, but Tropy pulls out his crystal tuning fork, and warps him and Frenchie back to an ancient-style castle dungeon in, as the subtitle tells us, "Scotland - 1625 B.C.". Tropy slams the fork onto the ground, and suddenly lava comes spewing out, heading straight toward Frenchie Waiter! "Sacré bleu!" cries Frenchie, stereotypically. Just as he's about to be singed, however, Tropy warps them back to the present. As Frenchie catches his breath, Tropy reminds him that this date CANNOT GO WRONG. Frenchie assures him that at least one performer tonight will be good, and there won't be another problem! Tropy is pleased, and heads back to the table. Frenchie wipes the sweat off his brow with a croissant, then follows him to the table, to take their order. Tropy sticks with his earlier idea, and orders the Filet Macaroon. Traction goes ahead and orders the Liver Patty Melt.....with extra pickles. Frenchie gasps, and tries to explain that the restaurant doesn't carry pickles, but Tropy interrupts him by shouting, "THE LADY GETS WHAT THE LADY WANTS!!!". Frenchie just nods, and shuffles away, muttering "sacré bleu" once again, as Nefarious Tropy and Nellibelle Traction stare passionately into each other's eyes. Out on the curb, Frenchie Waiter takes a seat beside a crying Coco. She says she's sad because the audience didn't like her song. Frenchie suggests that maybe people don't like being depressed, and recommends that she try playing something more upbeat. Coco says he's right! Frenchie says that, since he helped her with her problem, she has to return the favour. He explains that the pickle plant is not indigenous to the area, but Dr. Nellibelle Traction wants one anyway! Coco says she can think of only one place on the island that might contain such a thing - N. Gin Labs! Frenchie thanks her, and rides off into the sunset on one of those old-timey bikes with the huge front wheel. Meanwhile, inside, MacLarry introduces the next performance - Oxey Oxey the Rhythm Fiend and the Parking Lot Dancers (six generic Gasmoxians we'll never see again). As the Parking Lot Dancers dance, Oxey plays his big floppy mouth like a trumpet, wowing the crowd with his big band sound....until he releases the spit valve, and drenches the crowd in alien goo. The obviously upset crowd boos them off the stage. Oxey laments that if polite musical theatre won't convince them to convert the island into a parking lot, then he'll finally have to unleash his MOST DEVIOUS SCHEME OF ALL on them! Tropy and Traction just mutter that the food had better be amazing. Meanwhile, Frenchie Waiter has arrived at N. Gin Labs. He knocks on the door (naturally, to the tune of "Alouette"), but no one answers. He just shrugs, and lets himself in. Inside, it's all dark and mysterious, with plenty of high-tech scientific doodads and doohickeys and computertrons. Suddenly, he is startled when he hears a loud "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" ring out through the laboratory - but open closer inspection, it was just a Wumpavision that someone left on. Specifically, an episode of the whimsical animated programme HatLog. Frenchie sighs in relief. Meanwhile, Emcee Bill starts to speak, but is interrupted by MacLarry's bagpiping. Bill angrily slaps the pipes out of Larry's hands, to the latter's obvious chagrin. Bill then picks back up where he left off: introducing tonight's next act, President Papu Papu's Tribal Stomp, featuring Fancy Footworkin' Spencer and Ain't Got No Time For No Fancy Book-Learnin' Sheldon. They start performing an elaborate percussive dance routine, but are quickly booed off the stage when Papu's dancing causes an earthquake, because he is fat. Dejected, on his way offstage, he vows to raise all their taxes! Tropy just rolls his eyes, and voices his annoyance at how Frenchie Waiter is getting Frenchie later and later, but Nellibelle assures him she's having a good time. Meanwhile, Frenchie Waiter stumbles upon a giant tank filled with green goo.....and a giant pickle! Frenchie is overjoyed! He heads to the next computer terminal to unlock it. The terminal asks for the password; after much thought, he enters a password (unseen) to the tune of Frére Jacques. Somehow, the password works, and the tank opens! Suddenly, Frenchie is startled by another voice yelling "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?" - this time, however, it isn't the Wumpavision. It's an agitated N. Gin, who curses Frenchie for releasing his latest invention, the Super Fast and Super Quick He'll Use a Punch and Then a Kick He'll Pound You Pound You Till You're Sick He'll Subject You To His Nasty Tricks He'll Beat You and Beat Me and Beat Nick He'll Beat All of Us Because He's a Giant Monster Pickle! The pickle (James Avery) bellows that today will be the day of their brinening, to Frenchie and Ginny's obvious terror. Meanwhile, Tropy and Traction are sharing inane conversation about their occupations. Tropy says he's growing bored of his work with Cortex, since his schemes very rarely involve time travel any more. Why, the Time Twisting Machine is just a big hunk of rust by this point! Traction says that she feels the same way about her boss, Dr. Ninnindale Tomology, the professional word scientist. But Tropy and Traction both agree that they're not sick of each other yet! As they gaze into each others' eyes lovingly, MacLarry takes the stage, riding Rilla Roo dressed in a sheep costume, to introduce tonight's next romantic act: The Komodo Bros' Operatic Dance Extravaganza! To the accompaniment of Ripper Roo's fiery TNT Crate-themed parody of Carmen, Komodo Joe and Komodo Moe perform an elaborate sword-juggling dance routine, which goes horribly wrong when Moe misses one of the swords, and it lands on top of one of Ripper Roo's TNT Crates. As the countdown starts, Joe halts the routine to start yelling at his brother. Moe starts to explain that it's still possible to redeem their act, but, alas, it's too late, as the crate explodes and sends the Komodo Bros. flying out the window. Ripper Roo politely asks the crowd to remember to buy his new book, Explosions and You: Five Easy Steps to Having a Blast with the Rest of Your Life, before hopping out after them. Tropy just sighs. Is there any performer on this planet who can bring them amusement? Meanwhile, Frenchie Waiter and N. Gin decide to fight the Giant Pickle Monster. First, Frenchie attempts to soothe the savage beast by playing a relaxing lullaby on the accordion, but it simply punches and kicks the accordion out of his hands! N. Gin leaps into battle, firing an intense beam of pink energy bubbles out of his missile. But the pickle starts spinning at high speed, creating a whirlwind that deflects all the bubbles back at Gin, knocking him out of the battle! Then, Frenchie says it's his turn. He pulls out a blowgun, and blows into it, firing a bunch of tiny Eiffel Towers at the pickle. This attack backfires, however, when all the Eiffel Towers just hit the pickle's warts, which burst and drench Frenchie in a bunch of brining fluid. Is there no way to defeat this behemoth, they wonder? Gin says there's still a way, and whispers something into Frenchie's ear. Frenchie just nods. Meanwhile, Emcee Bill introduces the final performer for the evening - Crash Bandicoot! The crowd gasps, for some reason. Crash explains that he spent some time away from the Wumpavision for once today, and it inspired him to write this. He launches into a performance of the song "Ven Ven Conmigo" from Joey Lawrence's classic album, Soulmates, with accompaniment by his sister, Coco, on the saxophone. We fade back to Frenchie, N. Gin, and the pickle, who engage in a lengthy gaggy chase sequence all across N. Gin labs, set to the song! They run through countless corridors, up the walls, across ceilings, hop across barrels floating in green goop, and generally engage in chase-themed hijinx that do not fit the Spanish-tinged love song at all! Finally, as the song is coming to an end, they finally trick the pickle monster into running into a giant mysterious machine. Gin explains that it's his Super Silly Wacky Nutty Machine for Days Both Rainy and Snowy and Even Muddy That'll Mould To Your Slicing Whims Just Like Silly Putty Because It's Your Best Cutty Buddy and Slicey Devicey and Scissor Wizard that'll Dividey with Pridey! Frenchie holds up a white flag - he didn't understand that name at all! Gin just tells him not to worry - all he needs to know is that he'll have his pickle slices before he even knows it! Meanwhile, the entire crowd is still giving Crash a standing ovation for his terrific song. Suddenly, an utterly exhausted Frenchie Waiter bursts through the door, with a giant slice of pickle in tow. He tells Traction that her meal is finally ready, but she says there's no need - she's already full, on top-notch music and lyrics. Tropy adds that he's learned his lesson: he was worrying too hard about trying to impress her, when all she really wanted was for him to be himself. Tropy and Traction think it's about time to call it a night, so they head outside. "¡Ay, caramba!", bellows Frenchie Waiter, "a waiter's work is never done!". Out in the parking lot, Tiny pulls up in the limo again. He steps out, and proudly announces that he finally gets his persona - he's Tiny Tig-Chow-Fur, he says, before devouring a giant bowl of hair! Traction just chuckles at the silly misunderstanding again - but this time, a more relaxed Tropy is able to laugh at him, too. Then, they smile warmly at each other. Then, Tropy proudly declares that tonight was officially the best time of his life. Nellibelle agrees. Then, she explains to the children at home that Joey Lawrence's terrific album, Soulmates, can make their lives much easier and better, too, so they really should go out a have their parents buy them a copy, pronto, if they ever want to be happy again. | 9/25/1999 |
| 306 | It's Uncle Cortie We Trust! | One day in Cortex Castle, Dr. Neo Cortex is watching his minions work on the blueprints of his latest evil scheme. Dingodile, Komodo Moe, Komodo Joe, Ripper Roo, Rilla Roo, Tiny Tiger, Pinstripe Potoroo, Dr. N. Gin, Dr. Nitrus Brio, Dr. Nefarious Tropy, and Bill and Larry are all present, working in cubicals. N. Gin is seen writing his information in on a computer that is plugged into his missile. Ripper Roo is seen with wooden crates and "TNT" labels. Brio is seen using full beakers as pencil holders. Tiny feels trapped inside his cubical. Cortex demands they all finish their work before the deadline! It's imperative that they do this, or else! Suddenly, a projection screen in the front of the room comes flying down, and a projector is turned on. Uka Uka appears on it. He yells at Cortex for working everyone too hard, and demands he gives them all a vacation. Cortex sighs. The next day, in his office, Cortex is seen finishing up some paperwork. Uka Uka enters. The two discuss it. After much deliberation, Cortex believes they do all deserve a vacation. Uka Uka smiles. Cortie vows that he'll do them one better, too! He'll not only give them a break of evil work, but he'll also cover for them in their sidejobs. Uka Uka laughs at this idea, but Cortex refuses to listen. "It's such a good idea. We don't want unhappy minions", Cortie explains. Uka Uka flies out the window, using his bone earrings as propellers, as he really doesn't want to get into a confrontation. As soon as Uka leaves, Cortex summons all of his beloved minions into his office. They all show up, together. Cortex orders his minions to all take a California Island vacation. Most of the minions protest. Dingodile has gotten the lead in Shakespeare's Egglet in two days! Pinstripe is swamped with paperwork for his totally legitimate business! Ripper Roo is almost finished proving that John Wumpcy Adams and the Earl of Wumpingdale were actually brothers who fought together in the Civil War. Tiny jumps in and tries to hug Cortex as a thank you gesture. Cortex slams his fist on his desk. "Enough is enough", Cortie shouts. "You're taking a vacation, and that is final!". He goes on to tell them not to fear. Cortex, in his brilliance and understanding, will look after everyone's side projects until they return. This calms everyone's fears. Cortie walks them all out to the balcony conveniently accessible through his office. "Your chariot awaits!", Cortex exclaims. It's a blimp with Cortex's face plastered on the side. Piloted by Uka Uka! Uka is very happy. He hasn't taken a vacation since "that nasty business in the '60s". Everyone enters the blimp and Cortie smiles. The next day, Cortie wakes up to a quiet castle. His minions are all on vacation. "Ah, peace". We cut over to the minions, relaxing on the beach, as this week's musical number plays. Tiny is finishing up his simple sand castle. Dingodile creates a sand mansion. Brio drinks a potion to become an even larger sand castle. Pinstripe stomps on Tiny's, until Tropy pulls him away. Rilla Roo is seen swimming with waterwings. Komodo Moe buries Komodo Joe in the sand, using swords to help dig. Ripper Roo is seen reading a book. Bill is seen using Larry as a surfboard. N. Gin is seen swimming, with his missile used as a snorkler of sorts. After the montage, we return to Cortex Castle. Still in a daze from his good night sleep, Cortex wanders over to his office, only to see a huge stockpile of paperwork waiting for him. "I have much work to do for these minions". He decides it's time to finally get started. He begins by wandering over to Pinstripe's business meeting. A bunch of generic potoroos are seen at the table. In walks Neostripe Potortex! He brings all of Pinstripe's paperwork, in a briefcase. The lead potoroo (Tim Curry) yells at Neostripe for being so professional. This is not what this particular legitimate business is all about! Neostripe is fired on the spot. As Potortex returns to his castle, as leaves that persona, Cortie feels bad. Hopefully one mistake won't have too bad of results. He looks at his schedule, and notices his next plan is a little different. He heads over to Brio Hotel, for a date with Dr. Nellibelle Traction. First, he picks up his lovely date, as Dr. Neofarious Troptex. As they reach Brio Hotel, they realize they cannot enter it. Troptex lost the key! Traction doesn't mind. She suggests they go to the German sausage haus across the street. They do just that. Unfortunately, Frenchie Waiter greets them to bad news. They are out of sausages! Traction doesn't mind, but Troptex panics, as breaks down to tears. This display of emotional issues seems to concern Traction. She asks Neofarious as to why he is crying. Troptex refuses to answer. Traction is upset, as she prefers open and honest dialogue. She leaves Troptex. The next day, at Cortex Castle, Cortie is seen crying. He does not like the way things are going. He really hopes he'll be better at Dingodile's play than he was with the last two minions. He regains his composure, and runs off to William Shakespeare's auditorium. Shakespeare is seen waiting for the star of Egglet. Cortex arrives, in his next persona: Dileo Dingortex. Dingortex is given an egg costume, and quickly puts it on. Unfortunately, it doesn't fit him. Shakespeare yells at Dingortex for ruining the play, and cracking the only egg costume. Cortie runs home crying. Upon arriving at Cortex castle, he realizes he has to watch Wumpavision for Uka Uka! He quickly gets on the bananaphone and calls Crash Bandicoot, and asks what he should watch. Crash quickly yells at Cortex over the bananaphone for interrupting his viewing of The Wumpsters on WBC. Cortie thanks Crashie, and decides to watch it. Unfortunately, Cortex Castle's reception is terrible. This also disappoints Cortex. He tries to shuck it off by quickly doing a load of Bill and Larry's laundry. "Success at last!", Cortex screams. But all is not as it seems. It appears that Cortie shrunk their outfits. Cortie gets angry. He realizes the importance of his minions' sidejobs. So, he decides to go all out for his next one: He runs over to Tribe Town, and speaks to the President. Papu Papu is relaxing comfortably in his office, when Cortex runs in. Cortex is in yet another useless persona: Dr. N. Gintex. He asks the President if he can legally change his name. Papu doesn't question this at all. Gintex decides to legally change N. Gin's name to "The Great Doctor, Quite a Shocker, Light My Missile And I'll Be a Rocker, But That's Not All, I Have A Supplies Locker, And When I Speak, I Become A Talker, Enny Enny N. Gin". Cortex leaves, to retire for another day completed. The next morning, he wakes up and quickly eats some eggs and bacon. Afterwards, he decides to drive Rilla Roo's bulldozer. Unfortunately, he doesn't understand the mechanics behind such a device, and finds himself totalling it, by crashing it right into Tiny's dollhouse. This causes an explosion, and some of Tiny's dolls fly into Stately Ripper Roo manor, which then crashes into the computer that holds all of Ripper Roo's research. "Whoopsy daisies!", Cortex exclaims, before he runs over to Casa de Komodo, in his final duty for his minions. He arrives as Komodeo Coe. Coe finds himself in front of a full audience. He quickly takes out a few swords, and begins juggling them. Unfortunately, they hit Sitting And Viewing Spencer and Shhh! I'm Trying To Enjoy The Show Sheldon. Coe runs home, where he finally feels like he can relax. Unfortunately for him, he hears a knock at the door. It's Uka Uka and the minions. Vacation is over. He helps them unpack, in an attempt to save himself. Pinstripe is the first to ask: "How did our side projects go?". Cortie tries to change the subject. The next day, Tiny reports to him with a letter. Tiny is confused, as it doesn't look like "an alphabet" to him. The letter reveals that Uka Uka and the minions, Tiny excluded, have left Cortex castle. They have joined sides with Dr. Nitrous Oxide! In Oxide Station, Oxide welcomes his new cohorts, and asks them all why they chose to side with him all of a sudden. They each respond, in case the children at home forgot what just happened. Bill and Larry whine, as they are now forced to wear ! crates. Pinstripe complains about how he was fired from his legitimate business. Brio is upset that he lost his house key. Dingodile lost the lead in Egglet. Tropy's love life is faultering. Ripper Roo lost weeks' worth of research. Rilla Roo's bulldozer is on fire. The Komodo Brothers lost their audience. Uka Uka missed The Wumpsters. "That's nothing!", shouts an upset N. Gin, who quickly reveals that his name is now "The Great Doctor, Quite a Shocker, Light My Missile And I'll Be a Rocker, But That's Not All, I Have A Supplies Locker, And When I Speak, I Become A Talker, Enny Enny N. Gin". Oxide laughs at the long-named one, as he unveils his newest space weapon: A Pavement Laser. They all gasp. Meanwhile, Cortex asks Tiny why he stayed with him. Tiny thinks his dollhouse is funnier now. Cortie sighs. "I'd ground you, but this is actually better than an empty castle!", he claims. Tiny jumps up and hugs Cortex way too tightly. "On second thought," Cortex says, "It's time for you to prove your loyalty". Cortex demands that Tiny get his henchmen back. Unfortunately, there is no way to freely get to Oxide Station. "Figure that out, Tiny!", he says, right before he heads out to do some errands. Just then, Oxide Station conveniently crashes into Cortex Castle. Oxide threatens to turn his entire castle into a parking lot. All of the minions then come marching down. Tiny is home alone, so it's up to him! He explains to his former friends that forgiving others is an insanely nice thing to do. They really should forgive Cortex. Rilla Roo explains how important his bulldozer was. Komodo Joe loved his act, and he no longer has an audience for it. Tiny interjects before anyone else can speak. "Isn't friendship more important than those maternal things?". This convinces everyone to rejoin Cortex's side. Everyone except Pinstripe, Nefarious Tropy, and N. Gin, anyway. Gin is angry! "Cortex abused me! He changed my name! MY NAME!". Pinstripe babbles about how important his career was. Tropy explains how much he loves Traction. Just then, Cortex returns. Papu Papu, N. Traction, and the lead potoroo are with him. Papu tells N. Gin that his old name has been restored. Traction reunites with Tropy. The potoroo rehires Pinstripe, "no questions asked". Cortex explains that he just fixed everything for everyone. Cortie's minions have reunited with him! Oxide is angry! He brought his laser here, so he feels like he better use it. Papu Papu uses his staff to open up a portal, that sucks Oxide, the laser, and the entire Oxide Station inside. Cortie thanks everyone for forgiving him, but reminds them all that their boss always knows best, so even if it's a stupid decision, never question them, ever! | 10/2/1999 |
| 305 | Take Me to Your Meter! (FKA Portrait of the Artist as a Dingodile, FKA Flawed Cabinet Wumpublicans) | One fine Sunday morning, Crash Bandicoot is asleep in his Wump-A-Boy Wumpcliner. Suddenly, Coco bursts in, and starts shaking him till he's awake. "Turn on the Wumpavision", she demands! Crash is taken aback, since she's usually saying the exact opposite. Nonetheless, he willingly complies....but it disappointed to see that the current events programme, Meat the Garlic Press, is on. Crash whines that he's going to change the channel, but Coco slaps the Wumpmote out of his hands. She says he needs to watch this week's episode, because she got to be a panellist on it! Crash reluctantly agrees to watch. On the programme, we see the generic host, Tom Wumpert (Kevin Michael Richardson) introducing this week's panellists: President of Tribe Town, Papu Papu! Prominent third-grade social critic, Coco Bandicoot! And the professional scientist, Dr. Neo Cortex! Wumpert says he's upset because someone took his parking spot and the government won't do anything about it. Papu assures him that it'll all be taken care of, but Coco protests that this is obviously a lie, since under Papu's leadership the Tribe Townies haven't hired anyone to uphold traffic laws....in fact, they haven't come up with any traffic laws at all! Cortie interjects to state that he has an Intergalactic Laser Cannon Satellite orbiting the Earth, poised to fire and send us all to the Lost Dimension in less than 24 hours, but everyone disregards him. Instead, Papu notes that Coco is completely right, and that he will make this up to everyone by appointing a new Secretary of Metermaidery before the day is over! Suddenly, the screen goes black - we see that Crashie has wrestled the Wumpmote away from Coco, and shut the Wumpavision off. Coco asks if he's proud of her for making a difference in this world, but Crash simply bellows that he refuses to watch Wumpavision, no matter what she says! Now it's Coco who is visibly confused by this turn of events, as Crash goes back to sleep. Meanwhile, back at his Presidential Hut, Papu Papu is panicking. He has no idea who to hire as his Secretary of Metermaidery! He asks Spooly Spencer and Sew-Sew Sheldon to help him think, but they're too busy designing new costumes. Suddenly, Dr. Nitrous Oxide bursts in! Oxide asks Papu if he'll reconsider letting him pave the entire island. Papu steadfastly refuses, but concedes that Oxide knows more about cars and parking than anyone. After much hesitation, Papu asks if he'll simply accept a position in his cabinet as Secretary of Metermaidery instead. After much deliberation, Oxide decides that he accepts the position! Papu is relieved, and is sure that Oxide will do a good job. Meanwhile, at Cortex Castle, Cortex is lying on his bed, curled up in the foetal position, crying. Uka Uka tries to tell him that it'll be alright, but Cortex just keeps crying anyway. Finally, Uka Uka snaps and shouts at Cortex for failing the cheering up scheme! This doesn't make the professional doctor feel better at all. Then, Dingodile enters, and asks Cortex what's wrong. Cortie says he's devastated that no one is taking their evil schemes seriously anymore! Dingodile wisely notes that their minds will probably change once Cortex actually enacts his scheme, a statement which makes Cortex feel a lot better. Suddenly, Uka Uka's right bone earring - his phone bone! - starts ringing. It's for Dingodile! He picks it up, and Oxide is on the other end. As a very important public servant, Oxide says, he'll need a very important public servant portrait. And Dingodile is the most renowned artist in all of the Three Islands! Dingodile is flattered, and agrees without hesitation! Uka Uka congratulates him for getting such a prestigious honour, but Dingodile points out that listening in on his phone call is rude and impolite. Uka apologises for failing at the politeness scheme. The next day, Crash and Coco are sitting in awkward silence. Coco asks if he'd like to watch Wumpavision, but he refuses, as he's still afraid it'll be a boring roundtable news thing. More silence. Then, thankfully, a knock at the door. It's Polar, who drove here all the way from Polar Pass Island! He says he wanted to drive out here and meet Coco - she's become a huge celebrity since her appearance on Wumpavision! Crash just rolls his eyes and sighs aggressively. Polar then changes the subject and asks if someone can spare a Wumpcoin - he didn't have anything to put in the new parking meter. Crash steadfastly refuses to give up any of his money. Coco sighs, and hands Polar one of her own. Polar runs outside, only to discover that his eighteen-wheeler is already covered in parking tickets. He is annoyed, but also pleased that Oxide is so efficient at enforcing the new parking laws already! In fact, as we see in an awkwardly animated pan shot, parking meters are now lining all the streets in Tribe Town, which now has a peaceful, utopian feel to it. Eventually, we reach Papu's Presidential Hut, where Oxide is posing for his portrait. Dingodile, however, is struggling to find a way to bring out Oxide's true emotions. Out of desperation, he asks Oxide what his favourite colour is. "Red", replies the alien doctor. Dingodile takes this advice and quickly throws together a portrait of Oxide using only red paint, but Nitrous complains that it's not accurate at all! Papu agrees, noting that these portraits are supposed to be representational - they haven't had an abstract portrait since Spinator Hippo Hippo in 1822. (In a cutaway, we see this abstract portrait, which is "hilariously" just an X, a square, a triangle, and a circle - the PlayStation buttons, though they got the colours wrong, of course.) Dingodile sighs, and says he'll keep trying. Papu then goes on an unrelated tangent about how, after finally appointing a Secretary of Metermaidery, his Wumproval ratings are finally through the roof - 51%! Meanwhile, Polar arrives at the DWV - Department of Wumpa Vehicles. Here, he is greeted by Steering Wheel Spencer and Swiss Cheese Wheel Sheldon, both wearing elaborate tire-themed hats. They order him to pay his parking ticket, so he hands them five Tribe Dollars. As Polar turns and heads out, Spencer and Sheldon shout, "Have a wheely nice day!". However, when Polar gets back out to his truck, he's gotten another parking ticket, again for an expired meter. "That's strange", he thinks. "There wasn't a meter here five minutes ago!" But Pura just tells him to relax, and offers him an ice cream cone. It's egg fried rice flavour! Meanwhile, Dingodile is still struggling with his portrait. In a montage, we see him attempting a bunch of different concepts for the portrait - Oxide as a little girl with a pretty pink parasol, Oxide as a goofy circus elephant, Oxide as (predictably) the Mona Lisa, and even a delicious Oxide sundae with whipped cream and a cherry on top - but Nitrous approves of none of them. Just then, Ripper Roo has stopped by for a visit, so Dingodile decides to take a short break. Ripper Roo stopped by to congratulate Oxide on the terrific job he's done at making traffic more orderly - he NEEDS calmness and order out on the road, since even one fender bender could be bad news for his beloved Nitro Crate Limousine, or as he calls it, his Nitrousine. It even seems easier to park, he says. Almost like there were more designated parking spots than before! Oxide says he appreciates any and all praise. On his way out, Roo nonchalantly adds, "Oh, and you keep up the good work too, Dingodile". After Roo leaves, Oxide mutters under his breath, "And there will be even more and more free parking as time goes on!". At his "clever" joke, Oxide cannot resist letting out a maniacal evil laugh, complete with stereotypical villain gesturing! When he finally gets done laughing, Dingodile says that was perfect! He finally saw the portalway into the heart of Oxide's soul! The portrait is finished! Oxide is horrified, as we cut to a commercial break. When we return, we see Tom Wumpert pull up to his parking spot, only to discover that Oxide put a meter there, too. He tries to calm himself down, and search around the island for somewhere else to park his Wumpertmobile. But everywhere he goes, there's a meter! In a montage set to this week's original song, the 80s-styled "The Meter's On!", we see that this extends even to places that obviously aren't parking spots! Dr. Nefarious Tropy enters the Time Twisting Machine only to see that a parking meter is blocking the portal to a generic Egyptian world! An enraged Cortex sends Tiny Tiger to the Grounding Corner, and to add insult to injury, Tiny has to stick a Wumpcoin in the new parking meter there to even sit down! Komodo Joe shoots Komodo Moe out of a cannon at the Komodo Brothers circus, but the inflatable landing pad suddenly has a parking meter on it, causing a panicked Moe to spread his lizardy wingflaps and sail past the pad to his doom, rather than sparing one of his precious Wumpcoins! Rilla Roo awakens to discover that his pacifier has, somehow, been replaced with a parking meter, which he opts to suck on anyway! Dr. Nitrus Brio drinks a beaker, and is startled when it turns him into a parking meter instead of whatever he'd intended! (As Dr. N. Gin - himself struggling to keep his head balanced since his rocket was cruelly replaced with a parking meter - walks by, he does Brio a favour and desposits a Wumpcoin deep inside him.) By the time the montage is over, Tom Wumpert is furious! He vows to do something to change all this! Cut to next Sunday. Once again, Crash is asleep in his Wump-A-Boy Wumpcliner. Coco bursts in with a giant stick, and starts banging on Aku Aku, like a gong, until it finally frightens him awake! She tells him he HAS to flip on the Wumpavision again! But Crashie still refuses, so she sighs and does it herself. It's Meat the Garlic Press again! Tom Wumpert introduces this week's guests, which are the same as last week's: Coco Bandicoot, President Papu Papu, and Dr. Neo Cortex. But Cortex speaks up to correct him - he's Dr. Neo Take-Me-Seriously-tex this week! Wumpert just sighs, and moves on to the topic of discussion: the entire island is filled with parking meters! Papu Papu doesn't think this sounds right, since Tribe Town has the finest Secretary of Metermaidery in the Northern Hemisphere! Coco, however, has herself been a victim of this phenomenon. She pulls out her laptop, and the audience gasps when they see a parking meter pop out of it! Coco has a theory: Dr. Oxide didn't take the job to help the Wumpublic, as he'd have you believe. Instead, he took it so he could subtly turn the entire Three Islands into a parking lot without anybody noticing it! Papu Papu assures her that this is absurd. Oxide pops up from behind Papu, somehow, and reiterates the absurdity of her theory. Just then, Take-Me-Seriously-tex interrupts to declare that he's about to fire the Intergalactic Laser Cannon Satellite! He pulls out a remote and presses a big red button. Out in outer space, we see the satellite, with Pinstripe riding atop it, of course, because it's a laser cannon. Pinstripe senses that Cortex pressed the firing button, and the Earth is about to be destroyed! But, instead, the satellite itself just explodes. Back on Earth, Take-Me-Seriously-tex curses himself for letting Ripper Roo, of all people, build a device for him! Anyway, Oxide reiterates that Coco can never prove that he had evil intentions. But Dingodile suddenly appears and bellows, "But I can!". He explains that you can be a liar and a faker all you want, but you just can't hide your true emotions from the powerful force of ART. He unveils his portrait of Oxide which, as we saw earlier, shows him looking very evil. The audience gasps, as does Papu! The fat man is shocked and hurt. He gives Oxide a job and THIS is how he repays him? Papu pounds his fist on the table, and declares that as of now, Oxide is expelled from his cabinet forever, and all parking meters are to be removed at the government's soonest convenience! The audience cheers! Take-Me-Seriously-tex smiles and walks over to Dingodile. "At least ONE of us succeeded today," notes the awkwardly-personaed doctor. Minor Role Bill and Not Terribly Important To This Week's Plot Larry run up onstage out of the audience, and agree with Take-Me-Seriously-tex. The four of them heartwarmingly embrace, for entirely too long. Tom Wumpert steps in to officially declare this the best episode of Meat the Garlic Press ever! Cutting back to the Bandicoots' beach house, we see that Crashie agrees. This programme single-handedly restored his faith in Wumpavision! Coco is pleased, and they embrace for entirely too long, too. Then, Aku Aku muses to the children at home that this is what's great about Wumpavision, and even boring old regular television, too - if there's not anything good on now, there probably will be half an hour later, so always keep checking back in to see what's on now! | 10/9/1999 |
| 307 | Token 'Bout a Revolution (FKA Careful What II Wish For!) | One fine morning, Dr. Nitrous Oxide is preoccupied with counting the collection of Silver Tribe Dollars he's amassed since landing on Second Island. "An underappreciated lady, that Snoozin' Bea Wumpthony," muses Oxide. Suddenly, we see a close up of his face, as something mysterious offscreen starts casting multicoloured light on his face. "What's this?", he asks. "Yes, YES, now I CANNOT FAIL!" Meanwhile, Tiny and Cortex are seated across from each other at Castle Cortex's breakfast table. Cortex is treating himself to a hearty breakfast of N-shaped pancakes, while Tiny is smothering his bowl of Sugar-Frosted Sugary Wump-Os with packet after packet of sugar in hopes of eventually reaching his desired sweetness level. Tiny eagerly asks Cortie if they can go spend the day playing in the park today, but obviously Cortex doesn't like the nature at all, for it makes his N rust. But then, Dr. N. Gin pops up, and offers to let Cortie use his latest invention: Don't Get Worried and Don't Get Flustered, Because I Have Something Better Than a Feather Duster, It'll Combat the Forces Nature Musters, It'll Destroy Those Icky Reddish Brownish Clusters, It'll Even Restore Your Gorgeous Luster, Because It's My Patented Aerosol Can De-Ruster, Which Will Fight Fight Fight Just Like General Custer, and You Can Always Be Sure to Trust Her, Because It's Even More Honest Than a Claims Adjuster! Cortie panics - now he's trapped. Now there's no reason for him not to have to spend his day with that wretched fool, Tiny! Horrified, he starts spewing out an extended string of gibberish, until he finally manages to spew forth a coherent sentence: "Tiny, you're grounded for life!" Ah, crisis averted! Relieved, Cortex wipes the sweat from his brow with an N-shaped pancake, as Tiny sadly climbs the stairs to his room. N. Gin, noticing that Tiny forgot his cereal, asks Cortex if he can eat what's left. Cortex agrees, so Ginny takes a seat, and the two begin sharing idle chatter about how awesome science is. Meanwhile, Crashie is watching Wumpavision. Specifically, the new programme all the kids are talking about: The Chowdery Chargecard Show! In a scene from the show, we see Chowdery Chargecard (Special Guest Star Jerry Mathers), the wacky clam-based entertainer, riding around on a unicycle while singing nonsense lyrics. Suddenly, he is hit by a flying cake. Crashie thinks it's the funniest thing ever! He calls Coco in from the kitchen to see the awesome new show. Walking out from the living room, we see that she looks thoroughly exhausted and much like a stereotypical sitcom mother, which is supposed to be hilarious because she's only eight or something. Upon seeing the show, she just rolls her eyes, and shakes her head, and sighs, then returns to the kitchen to get back to work. Suddenly, Chowdery turns to the camera and says the network is cutting his budget even further. Crashie is heartbroken! This is even worse than the time his lost love left him, he thinks! But Chowdery says that the viewers can help by going through their parents' things and sending him "those funny green pieces of paper with Papu Papu and Alexspencer Hamilton and Dwight D. Eisensheldon on 'em". Crash glances over and spots Coco's purse. After making sure the coast is clear, he digs through it and pulls out a big wad of Tribe Money. Grinning widely, he stuffs it in an envelope, slams a bunch of Wumpstamps on it, and gives it to his trusted "carrier pigeon", Aku Aku. Aku protests that stealing is bad, and also that he's not a carrier pigeon, but Crash will have none of this whining! "Your abundance of feathers reveals your lie!" Aku sighs, and decides to just give in and make the delivery for his beloved friend after all. He flaps his feathers and flies out the window. Then, Crashie gives himself a pat on the back, knowing he "finally did a nice thing for another human being". Meanwhile, Tiny is up in his room, crying. "Why won't Uncle Cortie take me to the park anymore?", he whines! Suddenly, he hears a mysterious voice calling his name. Confused, he glances up at his favourite motivational poster. "Is that you, Big Yellow Smiley Face?", he asks. Suddenly, Oxide crashes through Tiny's window. "No, it is I, Dr. Nitrous Oxide!" "Knight Dress Ox Ride?", he asks, as we see Tiny's mental image of some guy in drag grabbing his lance and mounting a cow. "Close enough", says Oxide. Tiny is just pleased to have company! He pulls out a little pink teapot and asks if Oxide wants any "imaginary tea juice". The alien thanks Tiny for his generosity, but that he didn't come here to impose on him, oh no. Oxide claims he wants to make Tiny happy. This news makes Tiny happy, and he dances a badly animated jig to prove it! Oxide reaches beneath his robe and pulls out the five CTR Tokens - red, blue, green, yellow, and pink! He says that with these, ANYTHING is possible! Even building a park! He then goes on to "ambiguously" state that making Tiny happy is "the thing that will ultimately make ME happy", before laughing maniacally, to provide a little drama just in time for a commercial break! When we return, Oxide repeats his claim that anything is possible with the CTR tokens, to refresh our memories. Tiny asks what he means, and Oxide says that the easiest way to explain....is in song! To the tune of this week's musical number, "To Wish the Impossible Wish", Oxide expositionally explains that the tokens, when gathered together, grant any and all wishes for good Earthlings - and we DO mean any and all - before dragging Tiny on a singing dancing excursion that eventually brings them to Cortex Island's famed N-Spiration Point, overlooking the rest of the island. Once Oxide finishes singing, Tiny remarks that this is a nice view, but it's missing "a little something". "A park?", asks Oxide. Tiny is thrilled, because Oxide truly understands him! They share a hug. Meanwhile, in Cortex Castle, Dr. Nefarious Tropy joins Cortex and Gin at the breakfast table. Tropy has prepared himself a ham steak and a pile of gelatinous scrambled eggs, which he proceeds to devour with his crystal tuning fork. Cortex muses that it's his favourite time of the day - later, he'll have to deal in professional science, but for now, he can just relax, with the daily Tribe Town Times crossword puzzle. Ginny is excited, and he wants to help Cortex with it! But Tropy doesn't have time for their puzzle-related antics, because he has a date with Dr. N. Traction today. Cortie says it's his loss. Suddenly, a knock at the door! Cortex reluctantly gets up to answer it. It's Crash Bandicoot! Crash says Coco's angry at him for stealing her money, and so she forced him to make himself useful by heading out and borrowing a cup of Wump Sugar from the neighbours. Cortex says he's always glad to have visitors during his non-evil hours, and invites him to help himself to the castle's supply of Wump Sugar! Crash makes his way into the castle's kitchen, but decides to take a Portable Wumpavision break. Resting on a pile of "Kiss the Corchef" aprons, Crashie treats himself to the latest episode of The Chowdery Chargecard Show, in which Chowdery implores the kids at home to keep sending him valuables. Crash eagerly complies, stuffing stacks of Cortie's priceless china into his pants, before fleeing the castle! (He forgot the Wump Sugar.) Meanwhile, up on N-Spiration Point, Oxide says he intends to let Tiny use the CTR Tokens to wish the entire island into a park, but first they need to come up with a name. Tiny thinks for an extended period of time, before suggesting Tiny's Not-Tiny Park. But Oxide says this is unacceptable. Parks need catchy names, right? Oxide suggests "Inglot Park" as a very classy name. "What's an Inglot?", asks Tiny. Oxide thinks for a second, and says it's "Latin for Tiny Tiger, of course"! Tiny likes this name very much, though Oxide suggests making the wish in "classical" Latin order, with "Park" coming before its name. Tiny hugs his new friend again. He's thought of everything, thinks Tiny! Then, Tiny lifts the tokens above his head, and shouts out: "I wish this entire island was, uh....Park Inglot!" The CTR Tokens fly up into the air, whirling around Tiny - suddenly, in a bright flash of light, the entire island is converted into what one assumes is supposed to be a parking lot, though it also has elements of an asphalt-based Tiny Arena, sort of. Tiny is horrified! This isn't what he wanted at all! Oxide just laughs evilly, as we cut to commercial. When we return, Tiny repeats that this isn't what he wanted at all! Oxide laughs evilly again, and tells Tiny that he's claimed this island in the name of Dr. Nitrous Oxide! In a non-musical montage, we see a series of scenes from the miserable parking-lot-ified island. Rilla Roo tries to dig in what was once his sandbox, but to no avail, because it's now asphalt. Out in some field somewhere, Pinstripe experiences the same problem when attempting to dig his "grown-up hole". Dingodile turns on the hose and starts watering his flower garden, but since asphalt doesn't absorb water, he just ends up flooding the place. Ripper Roo is no longer able to bounce, because the hard surface hurts his feet too much. Now how will he detonate his precious TNT Crates? Komodo Joe shoots Komodo Moe out of a cannon at the Komodo Brothers circus, but when Moe notices that the landing pad is made out of asphalt now, he panics and spreads his lizardy wingflaps to make a safe emergency landing, elliciting a ferocious roar of booing from the disappointed audience. Bituminous Bill and Large Chunk of Tar Larry, clad in elaborate asphalt-based outfits, protest that the entire island totally stole their look. Frenchie Waiter is thrilled, however, as the new, smooth surface allows him to fill orders on his snazzy new rollerskates! And finally, in Cortex Castle, Tropy says it's time to leave for his date with N. Traction. However, when he looks out the window and sees the paved nightmarescape, he decides that it's too ugly outside for romance, and decides to stay and help the two doctors finish the Tribe Town Times crossword after all. Cortex thanks him by asking him for a seven-letter word meaning "a measure of the amount of energy in a physical system that cannot be used to do mechanical work". Tropy thinks for a minute, but comes up with nothing. N. Gin suggests that the answer might be "rockets", but Tropy screeches: "Not everything has to be about rockets, you know!" Back at N-Spiration Point, Oxide cackles maniacally, while Tiny weeps openly. Suddenly, Crashie appears, and asks if Oxide is responsible for this. Oxide says that he is. Crash congratulates him on his ingenuity. Oxide thanks him for his kindness, then turns to cackle at Tiny some more. Crash sneaks up behind the alien, and.....Tiny is shocked at what he's seeing! Crash Bandicoot, the nicest guy in the whole word, stealing the CTR Tokens from Oxide's back pocket! Now Tiny is, for once, filled with rage! Sure, Ox Ride may have fooled him into destroying the island forever, but they're still friends, and he refuses to sit back and watch Crash steal from his best friend in the whole wide world! Tiny leaps into battle, but quickly falls to Crashie's patented "Hurt Tornado Spin: Fire Edition". Then Oxide lunges at the bandicoot, but is hit with the same attack, in a virtually identical scene. But suddenly, Crash realises that Tiny is right. Stealing is wrong! And since Oxide stole the tokens from someone else, Crash decides that he MUST find their real owner. He flips the tokens over, and reads the inscription: "If found, please call (555) 5555-555". He pulls out his Yellowular Bananaphone, and dials the number. "I found your rainbow coins", he says. The caller says he'll be right there. When he arrives, Crash is shocked to discover that it is none other than Chowdery Chargecard himself! Chowdery says that the tokens are really his. CTR stands for his real name: Chowdery Tiramisu Romanoff. When the tokens went missing, he changed his name to Chowdery Chargecard, to reflect the fact that he had to buy everything with his chargecard now, his only remaining money having been stolen. Out of desperation, he told all the kids in the Three Islands to send him money, hoping that one of them would eventually send him his long lost tokens. But Tiny protests, because stealing is bad. Chowdery just meekly says, "I know that now". He uses the tokens to wish all the money to be returned to its rightful owners. The tokens buzz and whirl and flash and somehow restore the island, too! Tiny is overjoyed, to the point of tail-wagging! Tiny thanks Oxide for a really fun playdate, but Oxide just breaks down weeping, and runs off into the distance. Tiny is confused, but just shrugs. "Will you take me home, Uncle Crashie?", he asks. Crash reluctantly agrees. Cut to Cortex Castle, where Cortex, Gin, and Tropy are once again interrupted by a knock at the door. Cortex answers it. It's Crash, with Tiny trailing behind him, on a leash! "I believe this belongs to you", says Crash. Cortex thanks Crash for returning his stolen minion. "No problem-o!", Crashie says. He then decides to reward himself by pouring a bowl of Sugar-Frosted Sugary Wump-Os, into N. Gin's missile. Ginny is irritated, but calms himself by taking deep breaths. Then, Cortex asks if anyone can think of a five-letter word for "a happy facial expression". Everyone is stumped, but then Tiny suggests "smile". It fits! The puzzle is completed, thanks to Tiny! Cortex concedes that he probably should take Tiny to the park, as a reward. "Can you push me on the swing and make me go high?", asks Tiny. Cortex angrily fires back: "Don't push it, furball!" They share a hug. Then, Tropy explains to the children at home that stealing cable is bad. It's best to stick with network TV, like FOX, which is always free. | 10/16/1999 |
| 310 | War and Peace of Cake | One fine day, Papu Papu is no longer enjoying being President. While enjoying his daily Presidential Stromboli, the realisation hits him: "I have no connection to my people anymore!" He calls in his two head political advisors, Campaign Manager Spencer and Ham Shank Devourer Sheldon. Papu explains that he simply has nothing in common with anyone in the kingdom. Spencer tries to speak up, but Papu Papu immediately tells him to shut up - Sheldon deserves the right to declare his idea first! After thinking for a second, though, Sheldon decides that he has nothing, so Papu regretfully lets Spencer talk. Campaign Manager Spencer suggests holding a town hall meeting where Papu can talk with the Tribe Town citizens one-on-one. Surely, he thinks, this would be the ideal way to reconnect with his people! But Papu disapproves of this idea greatly. So much so, in fact, that he pulls out a giant rubber stamp and stamps the word "NO" in giant red letters on Spencer's forehead! "Come back once your ideas have more meat on their bones!", shouts the fat leader! Dejected, Spencer stumbles out of Papu's office, and decides to calm his nerves with a relaxing oceanic canoe ride. Meanwhile, Dr. Neo Cortex is in a panic! An inspector from the International Guild of Professional Scientists, Incorporated is coming this afternoon, and if Cortie fails the inspection, his degree in professional sciencing will be revoked! He decides to make sure his minions are all prepared to put on a good show. Dingodile proudly reports that he remembered to drink lots of water, so his fire breath won't accidentally go off. Pinstripe Potoroo insists that he cleaned out his favourite cannon, Tommy, and it's in perfect working order. To prove his point, he shoves Komodo Moe into it, and lets Komodo Joe light the fuse. Komodo Moe is fired out of the cannon, but quickly notices that there is no landing pad, since this is Cortex Castle and not the Komodo Bros. Circus. Fortunately, he is able to save himself by spreading his lizardy wingflaps and gliding down slowly and safely. Dr. N. Gin says that he hid all his potentially embarrassing possessions deep inside his missile, where the inspector would never think to look. Ripper Roo says that he had his straitjacket professionally pressed and cleaned by "some friend of those Bandicoots". Rilla Roo says that he attached reflectors to all his pacifiers for better visibility at night. Uka Uka says that he borrowed his brother Aku Aku's Particularly Distinguishing Feather, so surely the inspector will be wowed by his masky good looks. Inspector Bill and Inspector Larry have taken on inspector-themed personas, so that the real inspector has someone he can have deep, thought-provoking conversations about his job with. Dr. Nefarious Tropy says he wrote a special song for the inspector. Cortex asks if he can perform it later. Tropy says that he'd be more than happy to, time permitting of course. Cortex smiles a satisfied smile - it looks as though all his minions are in proper order! But Uka Uka begs to differ. He yells that Cortex forgot that blasted tiger again! Cortex is confused. "What does Pura have to do with any of this?" But Uka Uka was talking about Tiny Tiger. He always ruins everything, Uka complains! Tiny whines that this is simply not true, and that Ripper and Rilla spend more time Rooin' than he does. Uka Uka just sighs, and tells Cortex that he'd better find somewhere to hide Tiny, to "ruin his 'ruining our scheme' scheme"! Cortex suggests sending Tiny up to his bedroom, but Pinstripe correctly notes that the inspector will probably be inspecting the upper floor, and would find Tiny regardless. No, they need to find somewhere much sneakier. Somewhere no one will look. Finally, Pinstripe figures it out - they can lock him in "the secret room where no one ever goes ever"! Cortex thinks this is brilliant, and orders Tiny to go lock himself in "the secret room where no one ever goes ever", pronto! Tiny marches into the basements of Cortex Castle, but is unable to find a door labeled as such. But then he notices a door labelled "Uncle Cortie's Treasure Room". Tiny says, to no one in particular, that he's never been allowed in there, so he assumes that no one else is, either. So, this MUST be what Cortex was talking about! He enters the room, locks the door, and takes a seat. Suddenly, he sees Campaign Manager Spencer out the window, walking around....and notices the giant N on his forehead. Ignoring the giant O, Tiny assumes it's Uncle Cortie! He opens the window and asks if this is the room he was talking about! Spencer is confused. He walks up to the window, and takes a look around. Why, the room is utterly full of rare and wonderful treasures! Glancing around, his eyes soon fixate on a most wonderful item: the rare and legendary Fatty Power Crystal! He suddenly understands everything - Papu Papu likes Sheldon better solely because he's fat. If they used the power of the Fatty Power Crystal to make all the Tribe Towners as big as Papu, then maybe Papu would feel like he has more in common with his people. It's brilliant! Spencer asks Tiny if he can borrow the Fatty Power Crystal for an hour or two. Tiny says that since Uncle Cortie owns it and all, he should be able to keep it as long as he likes! Spencer is still confused, but eagerly takes the Fatty Power Crystal, then eagerly canoes back toward Tribe Town. Tiny just muses that it was nice of Uncle Cortie to pay him a visit. He also thinks that painting his N red makes him look much more scientistic! After a commercial break, Campaign Manager Spencer bursts back into Papu Papu's office. He tries to show Papu the Fatty Power Crystal, but Papu tries his hardest to ignore him, until Ham Shank Devourer Sheldon suggests that maybe Spencer has a good idea after all. Papu sighs, and reluctantly listens. Spencer says that the Fatty Power Crystal can be used to turn the hills into cake - cake so delicious that everyone in Tribe Town Kingdom will be unable to stop eating until they're as fat as he is. Then he'll never feel out-of-touch with his people again! Papu scratches his chin, for he is intrigued. He thinks it's worth a try! He holds the Fatty Power Crystal above his head, and it starts firing off a bunch of beams, which instantaneously turn the hills into cake, making the whole place look sort of like Coco Park. At this point, we hear the original song for this week, "Chunkytown", as we see a montage of everyone gnawing on cake, and becoming very, very fat, to "humorous" results - Crash attempts a Spin Attack but only manages to wobble a little bit, Coco tries to skip but ends up crashing through the floor of the Bandicoots' Beach House, Polar trips and start rolling and rolling until he's just a giant snowball, Pura visits her homeland only to be mistaken for a Godzilla-esque monster, Dr. Nitrus Brio tries to drink a beaker but simply spills it all over himself, Frenchie Waiter's weight causes his gondola to flip over and get him all wet, Melbrook Gabbons attends the grand unveiling of a new sculpture of him in the Tribe Town Wax Museum only to break down crying when he sees that it's of the old better-looking skinnier him, and Aku Aku is, quite simply, too fat to float anymore. Meanwhile, in Oxide Station parked on the Second Island, Dr. Nitrous Oxide looks on with glee. Everyone's getting so fat, that soon they'll end up steamrolling the entire island on their own, without even trying! It's splendid, he thinks - this week's parking lot scheme is already coming to fruition, and he didn't have to do anything! "And now we play the waiting game." Meanwhile, in Cortex Castle, a knock at the door! It's the professional science inspector, Dr. N. Spector (Jim Cummings). Cortex says he's most pleased to finally meet Dr. Spector's acquaintance, to which Spector simply tells him to stop smooching hiney. Suddenly, Inspector Bill and Inspector Larry appear. They say they're inspectors too, just like Dr. N. Spector! They ask him how the inspection game has been treating him. Dr. Spector replies that he's feeling inspectorrific! Bill and Larry know the feeling - they've been inspecting things since the Great Inspection Boom of 1906, they claim. N. Spector questions this, since they don't look that old, but Bill and Larry simply state that "an inspection a day keeps the doctor away", something the doctor agrees with heartily. Yep, all three of them can agree that inspecting is pretty darn cool! Just then, Dr. Nefarious Tropy drops in, to perform this week's lesser original song, the rather short and folky "My Reflections on Inspections". Bill, Larry, and N. Spector approve greatly of it! Dr. Spector proudly declares that Cortex has some of the most well-behaved minions he's ever seen. He's prepared to give Neo a passing grade, but Inspector Larry reminds him that he hasn't seen all of Cortex's minions. Spector checks his list, and sure enough, he realises that he has yet to meet Tiny! N. Spector thanks Larry, to which the latter just modestly replies, "I'm always happy to look out for my fellow inspectors!". Of course, Cortex is visibly panicked. He nervously tells Inspector Spector that he'll be right back with Tiny, and heads out of the room, dragging his other minions with him. Meanwhile, in the Bandicoots' beach house, an extremely fat Crash Bandicoot devours a huge slab of cake! He approves strongly of what Papu did, he says, to no one in particular. For once, politics are on his side! An equally fat Coco rolls in, and reminds Crashie that it's 8 WumP.M. - time for the latest episode of his favourite show, the physical competition programme Very Thin Gladiators! Crash eagerly flips on the Wumpavision, only to instead see a generic and extremely fat news anchor (Tara Charendoff). It's a Special Wumport! She Wumports that Very Thin Gladiators has been cancelled, because there are no very thin people left on N. Sanity Beach Island. As such, it has been replaced by a rerun of that morning's Monotone Political Rodeo, which horrifies Crash for obvious reasons. That's it, Crash bellows! Papu Papu will pay for what he has done! Crash hops up onto Fat Aku Aku, and rides out of the house on him, like a ball, circus poodle-style. Coco remarks to the children at home that Crash is about to challenge an authority figure, which she assures them is a very suspenseful thing. (This is nothing more than the writers going out of their way to justify inserting a commercial break here.) When we return, Crashie bursts into Papu Papu's office, interrupting his bonding time with his beloved friends, Newly Plump Spencer and Slightly Fatter Than Before Sheldon. But Papu doesn't mind - he loves his people now, and he'd be more than happy to let another friendly friend in on their Presidential bonding time. Crashie will have none of it, however. Being fat has ruined his Wumpavision-viewing life, he complains! Coco pokes her head in to meekly add that obesity is also very unhealthy, though Crash protests that she should stay out of grown-up matters such as these. Papu says that he'd never want to ignore the opinions of a fat person, and good-naturedly suggests that they settle their squabbles in the very fattest way of all - sumo wrestling! Meanwhile, Dr. Neo Cortex quickly consults with his minions as to what he should do about the Tiny situation. Dingodile suggests that they bribe Dr. N. Spector with tickets to the Tribe Town Wax Museum, because art always warms the soul. Pinstripe suggests that they bribe Dr. N. Spector with a pair of cement flip-flops. Dr. N. Gin suggests that they bribe Dr. N. Spector with his rocket, since Ginny would be thrilled to get the blasted thing out of his head anyway. Cortex just sighs, and bellows that none of this will help because it's Tiny that he wants! Uka Uka just grins - if it's Tiny he wants, then it's Tiny he'll get! The evil mask orders Ripper Roo to stand on top of Cunning Disguise Bill and Let's Be Honest This Isn't Going To Fool Anybody Larry's shoulders. Then, Uka covers them in a trenchcoat. Voila - now Ripper Roo is big enough to be their Tiny! Bill and Larry awkwardly amble their way back out to Dr. N. Spector, where Ripper Roo introduces himself as Tiny, which thrillingly involves John Ratzenberger attempting to do a Tiny voice. Spector is eager to meet Tiny finally, and offers Tiny a handshake. Ripper Roo panics, since he's in a straitjacket, of course! But he saves himself by saying he's got a cold, and wouldn't want to make a prestigious inspector sick. N. Spector asks him what his hobbies are, to which Roo lists off an extensive list of stereotypical dumb guy things, like paddleball and Wumpavision and bird-watching. Spector then engages "Tiny" in an extensive round of word association - Ripper Roo responds to every word with "happy". Cortex grins, and bellows that this impression is perfect! Dr. N. Spector is confused, and asks what he means by "impression". Cortex just begins openly weeping, and Uka Uka proceeds to yell at him for failing the "fooling Dr. N. Spector with a fake Tiny Tiger" scheme. Spector is also confused by this, but quickly discovers the truth when he rips off the trenchcoat, revealing not Tiny's physique but, rather, Ripper Roo and Bill and Larry! Cortex sighs, and admits that it wasn't the real Tiny. Spector is now enraged, and demands to meet the real deal, so Cortex reluctantly bellows for Tiny to come upstairs. He does so, and is immediately excited, since he has always dreamed of meeting an "inspectorer"! Tiny runs toward Dr. N. Spector, with the intent of giving him a hug, but on the way he trips, causing him to lose his balance and accidentally punch Spector right in the face! Cortex screeches at Tiny, expecting the worst....but much to his surprise, Dr. N. Spector is thrilled! "Attacking an inspector is the most evil thing I've seen in ages!" Without hesitation, he awards Dr. Neo Cortex a passing grade in professional evil science. Cortex is slightly proud of Tiny, and proudly declares that Tiny is "only grounded for a year" this time, something that fills the tiger with immense glee! Meanwhile, in Tribe Town's sumo ring, Papu Papu and Fat Crash Bandicoot lunge at each other! Papu is sure that he'll win like always, but much to his surprise, Crash easily pushes him out of the ring, in an extremely unimpressive action sequence. Papu Papu is stunned. Slightly Fatter Than Before Spencer, in an uncharacteristic moment of wisdom, explains to Papu that, since he made everyone just as fat as he is, he can't push them around anymore. Papu sighs, and admits his mistake. Suddenly, Dr. Neo Cortex flies in on his mini-blimp. He's angry that Tiny gave away his prized Fatty Power Crystal, and takes it back! But, as a consolation prize, he offers Papu Papu a "less impressive Power Crystal" - the Skinny Power Crystal. Papu Papu just smiles knowingly, and holds it up in the air. The Skinny Power Crystal fires off a bunch of beams, and suddenly everyone on N. Sanity Island is skinny, except for Papu and Sheldon, for some reason. Crashie pulls out his Pocket Wumpavision, and watches a Special Wumport, wherein the newly re-skinnified Charendoff reporter proudly declares that Very Thin Gladiators has been un-cancelled. Crashie just smiles, and says, "Everything's back to normal!" Papu Papu leaps onto Crash, effortlessly flattening him, before adding, "Yes it is!" And everyone else just laughs! Meanwhile, in Oxide Station, Dr. Nitrous Oxide is steaming mad! Everyone's skinny again! His plan of waiting for everyone to steamroll the island for him is an abject failure! Out of rage, he throws a ball of alien ectoplasm against the wall! But then he calms his nerves by musing that eggs are actually quite healthy for you, according to the American Egg Council. | 10/23/1999 |
| 308 | Bandana Crash and the Temple of Pura! | Deep in the heart of Cortex Castle, Dr. Neo Cortex bellows that his latest evil scheme has finally come to fruition! By using Dr. N. Gin's latest mech - the Makes Things So Cheapy Cheapy That You'll Weepy Weepy Till You Collapse Into a Heapy Heapy and Blissfully Drift Off to Sleepy Sleepy, Cuz It Wreaks Havoc and Destruction on the Economy Like a Fountain, of Lava Bellowing Forth from a Conical Cheapskate Mountain, Super Super Mega Mega Two-and-a-Half Finger Discountin' Fiend-O-Tron-O-Matic Model Three-Thousan'! - Cortex will be able to get a 50% discount on all merchandise at Wump-Mart! The two villains laugh it up together. But suddenly, Coco appears, and gloats that they won't get away with this! But Cortex begs to differ. He thinks he will. Coco reiterates that he won't. Cortex reiterates that he will, in fact, get away with it, because he's worked really hard on this evil scheme. "We made sure nothing could possibly go wrong this time!" (As if to prove this, we quickly cutaway to Tiny's bedroom, where Tiny states that he has already been grounded for life this week.) Coco notes that simply arguing will solve nothing, and so she challenges him to a battle to determine the fate of the islands. In a terrible parody of the Pokémon anime, Coco Bandi-Catch-'Em sends out her star battler, Purachu. Battleo Monstortex thinks carefully, then sends out his star battler, Dingodilizard. Dingodilizard leads off with a ferocious Fire Beam, but Purachu douses this with a last-minute Water Beam attack. Then, Monstortex orders Dingodilizard to wind up a fearsome Fire Beam Punch! Purachu panics, but Coco has a cunning strategy - she orders Purachu to dodge the attack, which causes the attack to miss. Then, she commands Purachu to finish Dingodilizard off with its signature Ice Ray, which freezes Dingodilizard solid! Coco takes advantage of the opportunity by hurling a Wumpa Ball at Dingodilizard, and....it's successful! Dingodilizard was caught! This angers Monstortex, because Dingodilizard was HIS minion! Now he's out for revenge! This time Monstortex sends out his star battler: Dr. Nefarious Tropasaur. Coco Bandi-Catch-'Em commands Purachu to take it down with his signature Thunder Beam attack, but Tropysaur deflects it by erecting a Forksfield at the last second. Then, Tropasaur uses his signature move, Time Beam. It's a direct hit, sending Purachu far into the distant past! Coco panics, as Purachu was the only ally she brought. Monstortex taunts her by saying that she'll never be a Wumpymon master now! Coco simply expresses disbelief that she lost to Monstortex. Monstortex, understanding the feeling, says he'll make it up to her by letting her use the 50% discount sometime, too. Coco agrees that this is fair. Cut to the Bandicoots' beachfront home - "two months later", according to the caption. Crashie is watching Wumpavision - specifically, the sitcom Wool and Grass. In a clip of the show, we see a clump of grass (Tom Kenny) begging a sheep (Kevin Michael Richardson) not to eat him! Both Crashie and the laugh track think this is very funny, for some reason. But suddenly, Coco flips the Wumpavision off in a fit of rage! "Don't you care about finding out what happened to Pura? Don't you have a heart???" Crash doesn't know what to say. He turns to Dingodile, who advises him to listen to his sister. Crash dislikes this news, so he calls up Dr. Polar on the bananaphone for a second opinion. Polar says he agrees with Dingodile, and furthermore, he knows exactly where Pura is. Crashie sighs! Polar says that the ancient stone carvings that showed up on Tiger Temple, depicting what appears to be Pura, can't be a coincidence. Pura must be in the ancient 1651 version of N. Sanity Island! Crash still isn't convinced that he should bother with this, however. Coco sighs, and promises to pay Crash handsomely if he helps. Now he's convinced! Crashie turns the Wumpavision to the Time Travel Network, and Crash, Coco, Aku Aku, and Dingodile are whisked away to the ancient past, which they apparently thought was suspenseful enough for a commercial break! When we return, the quartet appears in the 1651 version of N. Sanity Island. Crashie immediately puts Aku Aku on his head, like a fedora, and declares himself Bandana Crash, the great history adventurer! Dingodile asks if he can be Harridingo Fordile, to which Crash reluctantly agrees. Coco supposes this means she has to be Marioco Ravendicoot. Aku Aku says he thinks this persona nonsense is stupid, however, and he refuses to take part, because he has dignity and stuff. Marioco advises Bandana Crash to visit the local library for information. "What's a library?", asks Crash. Marioco explains that it's full of books, which are like Wumpavision, but texty. Crashie is intrigued! Cut to the library, where we see that Crashie already regrets his decision. "Books are boring!", he whines. Suddenly, they are met by brilliant Wumpaversity professors Dr. Nitrené Brielloq, Dr. Ripperchaeology Roo, and Dr. Frenchie Excavator, who ask if they can be of assistance. Bandana Crash says he's on a mission to discover the secret of Tiger Temple. Brielloq, Roo, and Frenchie know where that is! But, Frenchie Excavator warns him that the nefarious Nasties are on the search for its secret, too. If Crash gets in their way, only bad things could possibly happen. Crash agrees that he's probably right, and tries to leave, but Harridingo Fordile seals off the doorway with his flame breath. With no escape, Bandana Crash is forced to stick around, and listen to Marioco and Aku Aku lecture him again about how Pura is their dear friend, and they must do whatever they can do discover the truth. Crashie just sighs. Fine, he'll do it regardless. Frenchie Excavator is impressed. Ripperchaeology Roo agrees, stating that he admires Crashie's sheer Wumption. It's settled! The three doctors will help Bandana Crash track down Tiger Temple! Dr. Nitrené Brielloq drinks a beaker. This one turns him into a jeep. He invites the others to get inside, so they comply, and race off into the jungle. All is going smoothly, until another vehicle drives up next to them. The window rolls down, revealing a sinister-looking snake fellow (Special Guest Star Larry Hagman), who asks what they're up to. Crash bellows that they're looking for the secret of Tiger Temple! What a coincidence - so is the snake fellow! Crash asks if they'd like to look for it together, but the snake heartily disagrees. The wonder of Tiger Temple is all for him, he says! And he refuses to let any pesky bandicoots get in his way! He pulls out a sword, and takes a swipe at Crashie and Company! Crash is terrified - "Why'd he have to be a snake? I hate snakes!" - but Ripperchaeology Roo and Frenchie Excavator step in to defend him. In an action sequence set to this week's original song, "Unwelcome in the Jungle", Roo pelts the snake guy with a bunch of TNT Crates, while Frenchie engages in fierce swashbuckling against the evil reptile using his own personal sword equivalent, a scaled-down Eiffel Tower. Finally, as the song comes to an end, Ripperchaeology Roo readies a Nitro Crate, which he has Harridingo Fordile enshroud in his flame breath. Then, Roo throws the Flaming Nitro Crate at the snake, sending his jeep careening off the road. Crash is immediately filled with pride. "I did it," he declares! But then the Briello-jeep interrupts them. His brake line was severed in the duel, and they're headed straight for the infamous Bland Canyon! Bandana Crash panics again, but Marioco Ravendicoot has a brilliant plan. She grabs Aku Aku off of his head, and throws him ahead of the jeep, landing right next to the cliffside. Everyone wonders what she's thinking, but Marioco insists that they should trust her. Sure enough, instead of falling into the canyon, the jeep launches off of Aku Aku, and it is readily obvious that it will make it to the other side. Nonetheless, they still think this is a dramatic enough moment to go to commercial. When we return, we see everyone on the other side crawling out of the jeep, which then reverts to Nitrené Brielloq form. Aku Aku, though covered in tire tracks now, nonetheless flies across the canyon to retake his position atop Crash's head. Coincidentally, they happened to have crashed right on the front porch of Tiger Temple. Bandana Crash knocks on the door, but there is no answer. Harridingo Fordile tries to burn the door down with his flame breath, but this doesn't work, as the doors are made of ancient stone wood. Nitrené Brielloq says he can get it open - but then he realises he lost his lockpick somewhere. Ripperchaeology Roo says he would help, but his TNT Crate Generator won't work anymore, because it's powered by solar energy, and a cloud just covered the sun. Marioco tries pulling on the door, but this also does not work. Finally, Frenchie Excavator has a cunning plan. He ties one end of his favourite accordion to the door. Then, he runs way far away, stretching the accordion out greatly. He finds a boulder, and ties the other end to that. When he lets go, the accordion contracts, sending the boulder flying toward the door, and breaking it down! Everyone says that Frenchie Excavator is the smartest man they've ever met, but he just humbly responds, "C'est la vie". Inside the temple, ancient traps start springing into action! The heroes are pelted with darts, but this has no real effect on them, since they're the Saturday-morning-friendly suction cuppy darts. A boulder tries to roll after them, but of course it's no match for Frenchie Excavator's much stronger boulder. After a surprisingly short trek, the heroes reach a gorgeous Power Crystal statue of Pura. "Nothing can stop us now", bellows Crash! But suddenly, the snake reappears! Everyone is shocked, especially Crash, who reiterates his hatred of snakes. Marioco wonders how he possibly found them here. The snake simply responds that he had a little help. Dr. Nitrené Brielloq steps forward, and reveals that all along he's been a double agent for the leader of the Nasties - Dr. N. Aconda! Everyone is shocked that Brielloq would flip-flop like that! They are even more shocked when Brielloq drinks a beaker. This one turns him into a giant cage, which engulfs our heroes! With no one around to stop him, Dr. N. Aconda is free to approach the Pura statue. He monologues that Power Crystals are so powerful because they contain all the knowledge there is to know. And he wants their knowledge! Marioco protests that some knowledge is just too fancy to know, like the meaning of life. "Or what they really make MacWumpgets out of", adds Crashie, helpfully. But Aconda will have none of this! He kneels in front of the Crystal Pura statue, and begs for it to give him all the knowledge there is to know! Sure enough, knowledge starts flowing into his brain, which is just animated as a lame gust of wind. At first, Aconda relishes in this knowledge. "I finally understand pre-calculus", he declares proudly! But soon, we see that the burden is becoming too much for him! He screams in terror! His arms and legs vanish (incidentally making him look much more like an actual snake)! His hat melts! And finally, in a bright flash of light, we see that he has become a Power Crystal statue himself - and that Pura has been returned to normal. Everyone is obviously confused, but Pura explains that, after Dr. Tropy sent him into the past, he panicked. He had to find a way back into the present, but he didn't know how. He wanted to obtain the knowledge of time travel from the Power Crystals - but he ended up knowing too much. The burden of his infinite knowledge turned him into a Power Crystal himself, logically. But now that Dr. N. Aconda siphoned all that excess smartness from him, he's back to normal again. Dr. Nitrené Brielloq transforms back into a human, and confesses that he knew all this would happen - he told Aconda of their whereabouts, so that he would suffer this terrible fate, and not our heroes. Bandana Crash says he's massively confused, and does not even remotely know whether he's good or evil now. Brielloq says it's okay - "I get that all the time". Suddenly, everyone notices that the temple has begun to shake violently. This causes everyone to panic, except for Frenchie Excavator, who explains that he's not feeling a thing, because he had snails installed in his shoes as shock absorbers. Dr. Ripperchaeology Roo says that the temple is in a bad mood, and the front door is slowly closing. If they don't make it out in time, they'll be trapped here, forever! In a brief action sequence set to the lazy relyricking of this week's original song, "Unwelcome in the Temple", our heroes make a mad dash back for the entrance. Except for Crash, who stays behind for a second to spit on the terrible villain Dr. N. Aconda one last time. Then, he tries to catch up with the others. But, time's running out! The door is almost closed, but at the last second, Bandana Crash performs his signature slide attack, making it under the closing door just in time. Unfortunately, his Akuhat fell off in the process, and is trapped in the temple forever. Crash panics about his hatlessness, but Marioco thinks a solution can be found. Cut back to the present, in Cortex Castle, where we see that Crash is now wearing Uka Uka as a hat. Coco thanks Cortex for holding up his end of the bargain, and giving them the Ukahat at 50% off. Cortex just reiterates that he's a man of his word, but the real hero of all this is the Makes Things So Cheapy Cheapy That You'll Weepy Weepy Till You Collapse Into a Heapy Heapy and Blissfully Drift Off to Sleepy Sleepy, Cuz It Wreaks Havoc and Destruction on the Economy Like a Fountain, of Lava Bellowing Forth from a Conical Cheapskate Mountain, Super Super Mega Mega Two-and-a-Half Finger Discountin' Fiend-O-Tron-O-Matic Model Three-Thousan', of course! "Yeah, about that...", says Coco, before leaping into action and breaking the machine into a million pieces with a well-aimed Spin Attack! Uka Uka rolls his eyes, and yells at Cortex for failing at the "seeing this one coming" scheme. Cortex just sighs. Then, Last-Second Appearance Bill and Increasingly Marginal Role Larry tell the kids at home that they should remember to attend school every day, so they can learn things that will make them grow big and smart, too. | 10/30/1999 |
| 309 | Cortie the Clown | One day at Cortex Castle, Dr. Neo Cortex finds himself with a huge stockpile of work. He needs to shred this immediately! On his way to N. Gin's lab to dispose of this, he is stopped by his boss, Uka Uka. Cortex finds himself talking about the weather with Uka Uka. This infuriates the masky one! "You've worked for me for years, and you don't even know me? Bah!". Cortex is frightened. Uka Uka demands that Cortex rectify this at once, by coming over to hang out. Cortex sighs. He then finds N. Gin right outside of his laboratory. Cortex shoves his paperwork inside his missile. The next day, Cortex knocks on the door of Uka Uka's pagoda. Uka Uka allows Cortie entry. The two sit down over some Wumpbal Tea. The two are relatively quiet. Until Cortex tries to break the silence. "So, uh... What do you do for fun around here?", Cortex asks. Uka Uka smiles, and shows Cortex his most favouritest activity: Wumpavision! He shows this to Cortie with this week's musical number "This Is My Number One Favourite Thing". Cortex enjoys this, and is intrigued by one part of this. In the song, Uka mentioned his love of Cornmeal Central, a network that is so funny, that it's almost scheme worthy. Cortie takes this very seriously. "What if I try to be funny?". Uka Uka laughs at that question. Cortex takes it as a compliment, even though it obviously wasn't intended that way. Cortex asks if he can borrow some of the tapes Uka Uka Wumpcorded with his WCR. Uka Uka allows this. Upon returning home to Cortex Castle, Cortex realizes one major mistake in his plan: He doesn't own a WCR! "There is only one man around stupid enough to let me borrow one", Cortex mumbles. The scene quickly shifts to the Bandicoot home, where Crashie is watching Third Wump From The Sun. Cortex knocks at the door. He asks, as sweetly as he can, if he can borrow Crashie's WCR. Crash quickly responds with a "No". Cortex quickly adds, "Pretty please with some Wump gravy on top". Crashie quickly slams the door on Cortie. "I must watch these tapes!" Later that evening, Cortie returns to the Bandicoot home as Dr. Thieveo Cortex. He brought the Komodo Brothers with him: Katburgler Joe and Katburgler Moe. The three thieves enter from the chimney. As soon as they see the WCR, Cortex begins laughing maniacally. He forces the Katburgler Brothers to run to it. They keep pushing and shoving each other, until Moe falls on Pura, who is napping. She screams. This sets off Aku Aku, who is hanging on the wall. His feathers begins to blink a bright red. Aku doesn't actually speak, he just makes a bunch of obnoxiously loud "A-Woooooga" sounds. The Aku Aku burglar alarm wakes Coco up. She runs down the stairs, holding her purse. She shoos the thieves away by hitting them with it until they leave. Coco then wonders how Crash missed this. The camera then shows him sleeping on the couch in front of the Wumpavision. The same Wumpavision that had the WCR plugged into it. The next day, Cortex is seen weeping near his crummy Wumpavision. He really wants a WCR. Tiny enters the room, and offers to let Cortie borrow his. Cortex is very pleased. He takes Tiny's furry WCR, plugs it in, and begins to enjoy some comedy Wumpcorded off of Uka's WCR. But not before grounding Tiny for life, for not letting him have it earlier. "I had to deal with Bandicoots!", Cortex gives as his reasoning. The next day, Cortex sits down and watches a few of the Wumpcorded tapes. He catches some boring comedians at first: A giant cockroach (Tim Curry) talking about football, A panda bear (Tara Charendoff) talking about her friend forgetting her birthday, and a rabbit (Jim Cummings) talking about his obsession with carrot juice. The next comic Cortex watches was more interesting: It's famous avian comedian Will Cawsby (voiced by special guest star Gilbert Gottfried)! Cawsby talks about what he sees in everyday life, from flat tires, to Wumpa pops. Cortex smiles. "I will be a standup comedian yet!". Three days later, Cortex is seen getting ready for his first big performance at Brio Hotel. All of his friends have shown up: Uka Uka, Nitrus Brio, N. Gin, Nefarious Tropy (and his date, Nellibelle Traction), Komodo Moe, Komodo Joe, Ripper Roo, Rilla Roo, Pinstripe Potoroo, Dingodile, Tiny Tiger, and Heckler Bill and Heckle-arry. His enemies are also in attendance: Crash Bandicoot, Coco Bandicoot, Aku Aku, Polar, and Pura. Government officials are also in the audience: Papu Papu, and Ha Ha Sheldon and So Funny Spencer. Frenchie Waiter is also in the audience, as is a mysterious shadowy creature. Cortex walks on stage in a Hawaiian shirt. He starts his set by thanking everyone for showing up. He openly wonders why Tiny has shown up, as he is supposed to be grounded, but shrugs it off since it's nice to have a full audience. He begins by telling extremely generic knock knock jokes. Tiny is the only one in the audience who laughs. Heckler Bill and Heckle-arry shout for Cortie to get off the stage. Frenchie Waiter pelts frog legs on the stage. Tropy interjects with a predictable "I don't have time for unfunny jokes!". This causes Traction to kiss him on the cheek. Tropy blushes. Crash is paying more attention to his Pocket Wumpavision than anything else. Sheldon and Spencer whisper to each other that their personas don't make sense. Cortex starts to cry, but the shadowy creature wanders to the stage. It's revealed to be Will Cawsby! He asks Cortex to calm down. "That wasn't too bad, for a first timer!", he says. He walks with Cortex into the back alley of the hotel. He explains to Cortex that there are better ways to be funny. "Jest from your heart", he explains. "Talk about things in your everyday life. Your problems, your flaws." Cortex thinks he understands, and he returns home to work on his act. We return to the audience, where we see that Tiny is still laughing. Papu Papu pokes him with his staff, causing Tiny to tip over. The next day, Cortex sits in his office, and starts writing a new set. He starts smiling and laughing. As soon as he is done typing, Tiny comes running in with a letter. Cortex yells at him for entering his office without an appointment. Tiny brushes it off, and gives it to his boss and mentor. Cortie reads it out loud. He has achieved greatness! He will soon be taping a comedy special for Cornmeal Central! We flash forward to the day of the big special. Blushy Bill and Let's Put Your Face On Larry are with an N-less Cortex in his dressing room in the Apalling Theatre. They are both applying Cortex's makeup. Larry asks Cortie what font he wants his N to be today. Cortie is indifferent. Bill and Larry paint his N on, in its usual form. Cortie walks on stage to a huge crowd of generic humanoids. He talks about his problems with "pests". He compares his feud with the bandicoots to a rat infestation. He gets a huge standing ovation. Then, the camera zooms out to a space station. Dr. Nitrous Oxide was watching the programme on his Wumpavision. "That Cortex is surely a silly fellow. I bet I can outdo him!", he exclaims. A generic Gasmoxian (Tom Kenny) agrees. The next day, Oxide attempts his own standup in front of a generic gasmoxian crowd. It is the exact same knock-knock joke Cortex told earlier. This obviously fails, so the evil alien mastermind has another idea. Meanwhile, Will Cawsby tells Cortex not to take his newfound fame and fortune too seriously. Cortie just laughs it off, as he returns to his castle. The next day, there is a knock at the door. It's Dr. Nitrous Oxide! The evil alien says that he had heard that Cortex is "the greatest new comic talent on the three islands", and wants him to prove it. Oxide demands Cortex perform for him in Oxide Station. If he fails to make Oxide laugh, he'll turn all of Cortex Island into a parking lot. Cortex gasps, just before we fade to a commercial. When we return, Oxide explains the plan again, in case we forgot already. Cortex gratiously accepts. Oxide gives Cortie until sundown to meet him in Oxide Station. Cortex is frightened. He knows he's funny, but is he intergalactically funny? He runs to the bananaphone and calls Will Cawsby for advice. Unfortunately, Cawsby explains that there is nothing more he can teach Cortie. "It's up to you now, my pupil", he says. Cortie is really nervous now, and orders all of his minions to an emergency meeting about his standup. At the meeting, some of the minions are able to speak up. Komodo Joe tells Cortex that he thinks he's a decent comic, but needs to work on his material some more. Pinstripe says that he doesn't know what comedy is. Ripper Roo tries to explain how small the scientific probability of actually succeeding at impressing Oxide is. Uka Uka just yells at Cortex because he never thought this whole comedy plan would work in the first place. Tiny laughs, and tells his Uncle Cortie that he's "the most besterestest comedician ever". This pleases Cortex, who runs off to Oxide station. The stage is set. Cortex is in front of a huge audience of generic gasmoxians, with Dr. Oxide on a huge throne in the middle of the audience. Cortex begins his routine by retelling his bandicoot / rat infestation joke. This does not please Oxide at all. Oxide begins to look for a switch on his throne. He threatens Cortex to "be funny or else!". Cortie starts to sweat. Some of the ink on his N starts to run. He takes a deep breath, and then tells another joke. He talks about how dealing with minions should be considered a job in and of itself, since "some kitty cats are so annoying!". For some reason, this joke impresses Oxide. He slowly stands up and applauds. "Thank you for tickling my funny". Cortex takes a deep breath of relief, and thanks Oxide for realizing the truth: There is nothing in the world more important than stand-up comedy, and everyone should enjoy it, no matter how awful it really is. Oxide agrees, and they both share a laugh for apparently no reason. | 11/6/1999 |
| 312 | To Preserve and Defect | After having yet another dream about his long lost parents, Dingodile decides to win them back by founding the world's finest nature preserve in Dingo's Canyon, where Crash finds a new friend and Oxide schemes a new parking lot scheme. Meanwhile, Tiny makes breakfast for Uncle Cortie! | 11/13/1999 |
| 311 | Neo's Ark | When the public ignores his latest professional scheme of starting his own cruise line, Dr. Neo Cortex decides to flood the entire world, so they'll have to buy a ticket. But can his devious scheme survive an outraged walk-out by his minions, lead by Ripper Roo? | 11/20/1999 |
| 302 | It's a Wumpaful Life! | One day, Dr. Neo Cortex is watching Wumpavision. Specifically, the feed from the Uncle Cortie's Top-Secret Confidential Top-Secret Spy Camera he hid in the Bandicoots' home. Soon, however, he is interrupted by Uka Uka, wearing a Santa hat and fake Santa beard. It's Christmas morning, he says! "This again?", asks Cortex. Uka says all Cortex's minions got him a special present. It really would help make this merry season even merrier if Cortex came down to join the fun, adds the masky one! Why, Christmas is all about merriment! And also peppermint, he adds, offering Cortie a candy cane to sweeten the deal. This causes Cortex to snap. He starts screaming at Uka Uka: "You already KNOW my stance on Christmas, Uka! It seems like I have to tell you this EVERY SINGLE YEAR!" Cortex swears that this year he WILL succeed at ending the holiday forever, because he has a perfect and flawless plan this time. And with that, he runs out the window, screaming. Uka Uka frowns, and reluctantly heads back downstairs. All of Cortex's minions, sans Tiny, are waiting eagerly, all with presents in tow. Uka breaks the news that Cortex will not be spending Christmas, and everyone is disappointed. Sadness spreads across the room. Suddenly, Tiny pops out from inside the Christmas tree, wearing Christmas stockings as if they were regular socks, and yells, "SURPRISE!!!". Uka is upset that Tiny didn't hear a word he said, and yells at the Tiger for failing at the "listening to your boss's boss" scheme. Uka then smiles, as yelling at Tiny has made him feel much better about being yelled at by Cortex. Meanwhile, Crashie is watching the annual Christmas special Flossy, the Snowman with a Great Smile. Suddenly, Coco barges into the living room, and angrily asks why he tied up Aku Aku with a bunch of Christmassy lights. Crash says Aku was the best tree he could find at the time. Coco sighs, and painstakingly tries to explain to Crash that not EVERYTHING that's made out of wood automatically counts as a tree, but Crash just shrugs. Aku Aku enters and, between all the massive electrical shocks, yells at Crash for what he did. But when Crash stands up to give an impassioned speech about the Christmas spirit, Aku Aku backs down, realising his place and deciding not to deny everyone a Christmas tree. Crash just smiles. He's been a very good boy this year, so surely Santa Claus will FINALLY bring him the Wumpaversal Wumpmote he's been wanting for so very long! Meanwhile, Cortex knocks on the door of Santa's North Pole Workshop on Blizzard Bluff Island. Santa Claus (voiced once again by Kevin Michael Richardson) answers. Cortex introduces himself as Dr. Neo Real Estatex and goes off on a long spiel about the wonders of retiring to the glorious world of condominium ownership. Santa initially tries to block it out, but his interest is piqued when Real Estatex says it's "an alternative to the unrelenting hustle and bustle of the real world that turned [his] hair so pale white" in the first place. In a flashback, we see a young twenty-something Santa Claus, who looks very similar to modern Santa but with long, flowing green hair, frolicking through the streets, as countless women (all voiced by Tara Charendoff) all comment on how amazing he looks. Back in the present, Santa sheds a tear. He curses the years of thankless hard work that made him old, and throws money at Real Estatex for the condo without hesitation. Real Estatex just laughs evilly. Meanwhile, Crash looks under Aku Aku for his presents, but notices that there's nothing there. He starts to cry. He wanted that Wumpaversal Wumpmote so badly! Surely there must be a mistake, he thinks. He breaks out the bananaphone and dials Santa's North Pole Workshop on Blizzard Bluff Island. Santa's secretary, Mrs. Claus (Tara Charendoff), tries to explain that Santa retired from his job and left her and the elves to fend for themselves. Crash is hysterical. NOW how will he control both the Wumpavision AND the WCR with just one hand??? Meanwhile, Uka and Cortex's minions are equally upset. They demand an explanation, so Cortex explains his plan at length. This is, of course, redundant for us, since we ALREADY SAW IT, but whatever. Everyone is shocked by Cortex's actions! Pinstripe muses, "For once, it's YOU who is being too evil!". Ripper Roo whines that Santa's retirement is the worst thing to happen to history since Julian Caesar lost the Ancient Latonian election. Uka Uka steps forward to yell at Cortex for succeeding at the "ruining Christmas for everyone" scheme. Tiny, meanwhile, misinterprets "condominium" as "candy mandolin", and has a delicious musical fantasy sequence about such a device. Cortex is shocked - he was certain that his minions would love his evil act of evil! But, no, to the contrary - Komodo Joe, for some reason, steps forward and speaks on behalf of the group, swearing that they will undo this horror if it's the last thing they do! Meanwhile, Santa is enjoying retired life in the glorious seaside Skull Rock Island Condominiums, alongside his new roommate, the recently retired Baby New Year '99 (Special Guest Star Abe Vigoda). In a delightful montage set to this week's original song, "Santa Claus Is Coming to the Retirement Community", we see them doing stereotypical old people things including playing shuffleboard, reading books, and eating gelatin dessert of unspecified brand. At the end of the day, both are exhausted from all the fun, with enormous toothy happy grins plastered on their faces. Baby New Year muses that Santa Claus is the best friend he's ever had, and he hopes they'll never be apart again. Suddenly, Crash comes bursting into the room, accompanied by Coco, Pura, the still-decorated Aku Aku, and a series of Cortex's minions who all introduce themselves in turn: Dr. N. Gingerbread House, Dr. Nitrus Briornament, Nefrosty the Tropman, Gift-Wrapper Roo, Rilla the Roo-Nosed Reindeer (who is sucking a lit red lightbulb like a pacifier), Figgy Puddingodile, Pinstripe Let-It-Snow-aroo, Komodo Joël, Komodo Moël, Tiny Ho-Ho-Ho-ger, Uka Uka, and last but not least, Yule Log Bill and Captain's Log Larry, the latter being a poor caricature of William Shatner. Everyone wonders how they should go about convincing Santa to return, and so N. Gingerbread House suggests using his latest invention, the Utterly Fining, Tingling-of-the-Spining, Not Pickle Brining But Almost as Divining and Surely More Deviously Guilt-Mining, Loud Obnoxious Whining! The almost unwieldily large crowd of visitors agree, and proceed to whine and beg and plead with Santa to return to his workshop at once. Tiny Ho-Ho-Ho-ger whines that Merry Christmases are one of the only "fifty-hundredty-eighty-forty" things that bring him happiness in this dark world. Santa retorts that Christmas will live on without him. However, Komodo Moël protests that, without Santa, Christmas has no meaning any more! However, Komodo Joël points out that there's still the warm loving glow of family and friends to enjoy during the holiday season. Moël is enraged by this, and challenges his brother to a candy cane duel. Santa chooses to ignore their confectionery swashbuckling, and instead gives a lengthy speech about how he's just over the hill. Christmas would be better off without him, because he's just so old, and old people have no place in today's youth-oriented society. Baby New Year is inclined to agree. An enraged Briornament steps forward, chastising Santa for casting everyone aside like this. He vows to show Santa what Christmas would REALLY be like if Santa never existed. He pulls out his trusty Snowglobe Beaker, gives it a good shake, and invites both Santa, and the children at home, to gaze into it. In the alternate Santa-less universe, we see Crash and Coco at home. Coco invites him to join her for Christmas dinner, but Crash angrily throws the bananaphone at her. He strongly dislikes any holiday that doesn't bestow him with material possessions, and he doesn't want it in his house! Coco dejectedly goes to her room, as Crash breathes a sigh of relief, and goes back to watching the intense breakfast-themed crime drama Sunny Side Up: Life on Egg Street on Wumpavision. We then fade over to Frenchie Waiter, tearfully begging Frenchie-Canadian Manager (Tom Kenny) for his Christmas bonus, so he can support his Frenchie Family. Frenchie-Canadian Manager angrily rejects him, however - why should he give out bonuses for a tiny insignificant little holiday like Christmas. It doesn't even have a famous mascot! Frenchie Waiter dejectedly goes back to his backbreaking work, lighting candelabra on each table so his customers can enjoy romantic candlelit dinners. However, he muses, nobody will ever come anyway, since they're obviously not getting Christmas bonuses either. Next, we cut to President Papu Papu lying in bed, extremely thin and generally ill. He explains to Speary Spence-Heir and Next-in-Line Sheldon that, without any sort of important gift-giving holiday he could claim as federal and use as a vacation, he has been irreversibly overworked. They ask if he'll be okay, but he says that his time has now come to fade off into the Lost Dimension. Everyone weeps openly. After this, we see Dingodile and Pinstripe sadly panhandling on some random street corner, where they is approached by Crash and Coco, who ask what happened to them. Dingodile sadly explains that Uka Uka let him go, seeing him as the "most useless" of Cortex's minions. Try as he might, Uka just couldn't think of any useful uses for his flame breath, since "there's never any reason to roast chestnuts in our universe". Pinstripe says that he lost all his money in the stock market, stupidly betting it all on ribbon, only to later learn that no one ever uses ribbons at all, as "there isn't a single holiday of importance that uses ribbons for any purpose, ESPECIALLY not wrapping presents". Dingodile and Pinstripe if Crashie could spare a dime, but Crash refuses, and Coco explains on his behalf that he sadly never learned the value of giving, because "there's no holiday to promote these essential bandicooty values". Again, everyone weeps. Finally, we see Miss Claus. Due to the fact that her husband doesn't exist, she never married, and instead spends all her days alone, tending to her thousands of elves who, in her depressed stupor, she delusionally believes to be cats. As we fade out from the Snowglobe Beaker, everyone is clearly horrified. Baby New Year is particularly shocked. "I didn't realise you were THAT Santa Claus! Clearly you CAN'T retire!" Santa realises that they're right, and that Real Estatex tricked him! But, he laments, it's too late - he's already missed the Christmas deadline, and there's no way he could get presents delivered on time now! "Not so fast", bellows Crash, and he grabs Briornament's Snowglobe Beaker and throws it onto the ground, causing it to explode and summon the mighty Polar, who immediately offers to pull Santa's sleigh. But Santa whines that this still isn't enough horsepower. Baby New Year then offers up his favourite enchanted rocking horse as "a belated Christmas gift to my former and future old age companion". With Polar AND the rocking horse pulling his sleigh, Santa thinks he just might be able to make it after all, as he rides off into the sunset! Everyone else just smiles. The next day, at the Bandicoots' beach house, Crash and Coco awaken to find an enormous stack of presents underneath the still-decorated Aku tree. First, Coco opens her present. It's a brand-new saxophone, carved out of 100% pure Power Crystal, for extra saxiness! She plays a short ditty, and then smiles. Next, Crash opens up his present. It's a Wumpaversal Wumpmote! He immediately uses it to flip on the Wumpavision to watch the annual Christmas special, Flossy and Toothdolph's Christmas in April. Crash and Coco both smile contentedly, and embrace. Meanwhile, Cortex is watching their embrace on Wumpavision, via the spy camera from the beginning of the episode. He finds it vaguely heart-warming, and supposes that perhaps there's something to this terrible holiday after all. With this, he swallows his pride, and heads downstairs to join the Christmas party. Everyone is glad to see that he's finally there! Tiny Ho-Ho-Ho-ger eagerly runs up and gives his best friend in the whole world, Cortie, a biiiiiiig hug. It's entirely too tight, however, causing Cortex to shout that Tiny is grounded for life! But, after a brief hesitation, he adds, "Effective tomorrow. Nobody should be grounded on Santa's day!" Cortex and Tiny embrace again, as Nefrosty the Tropman creates heart-warming holiday ambience by repeatedly using his tuning fork to strike Dr. N. Gingerbread House's missile, which creates the sound of sleigh bells for some reason. Yule Log Bill says that he's just glad to see that Cortex finally learned his lesson. Captain's Log Larry agrees, and proceeds to tell the children at home to beg and plead for their grandparents to un-retire so they can get some money flowing back into the troubled economy. | 12/18/1999 |
| 313 | Uncle Cortie's Frankenbrio | When a mysterious thief steals a top-secret potion he was working on, Dr. Nitrus Brio finally gets fed up with his frail body. He enlists the help of his good friend Dr. Neo Cortex to beef him up, an experiment that goes horribly awry and turns Brio into Frankenbrio, the terror of the Three Islands! | 2/12/2000 |