Crash Bandicoot
Developer(s): Naughty Dog
Universal Interactive Studios
Publisher(s): Sony Computer Entertainment
Producer(s): Mark Cerny
Allan Becker
Connie Booth
Dave Siller
David Gracia
Composer(s): Mutato Muzika (Mark Mothersbaugh and Josh Mancell)
Platform(s): Sony PlayStation
Release Date(s): August 31, 1996 (USANTSC)
November 1996 (PAL European)
December 6, 1996 (JapaNTSC)

Crash Bandicoot is a platformer video game originally released in 1996 for the Sony PlayStation. The very first game of the Crash Bandicoot series, this game introduced the world to Crash Bandicoot, the star of the Crash Bandicoot series, who would continue to star in Crash Bandicoot games ad nauseam. In this game, he sets out on an epic quest to save some dirty whore he wants to fuck, badly.


Somewhere, south of the real-world country of Australia, lie a trio of islands. One of them is a barren jungle wasteland dominated by the Republic of Tribesanistan. The second is....lame. The third is a mechanical utopia, its landscape dominated by the impressively archaic castle of the world-renowned professional scientist, Dr. Neo Cortex. With the aid of his best friend, lover, and fellow professional scientist, Dr. Nitrus Brio, he has devised an invention that will change the world as we know it: the Evolvo-Ray! While some scientists have busied themselves with creating useless trifle like "atomic bombs", Cory has found an even more terrifying source of hellish world-destroying power. I am referring, of course, to adorable animal critters. Which he can evolve! Into slightly more powerful adorable animal critters!

One of these creatures was a peace-loving bandicoot named Crash. Ugh. Goddamn hippies. Nonetheless, Cortie hoped to evolve him and appoint the leader of his terrifying furry fetishistic army! Unfortunately, Crashie could not be brainwashed - the Cortex Vortex fucking sucks ass - so the good Doctor thought it would be a terrific idea to just hurl him through a plate-glass window. Exactly like real-world basketball athlete Charles Barkley!

What Corcor and Bribri didn't count on, however, is that Crash had fallen madly in love with another of their experiments: Tawna, the bandicoot prostitute. Driven by the force of his ill-advised love, Crash survives the fall, and an impressive extended show of lifeless corpsemanship, only to wash up on N. Sanity Beach. From here, he sets off on an epic journey. Stuff happens. He eventually saves her. I assume she probably fucked him a couple times, out of pity/obligation. Colour me jealous.

Oh, I almost forgot! Neoie also awesomely owns - get this - a blimp!!!


Crash Bandicoot: The main protagonist of the game. A once-adorable bandicoot mutated into a hideously unlovable betrousered abomination via the fearsome power of the Evolvo-Ray. Because he is no longer attractive, he is willing to go to absurd lengths to get laid. Voiced by Brendan O'Brien.

Dr. Neo Cortex: The main antagonist. A stereotypical professional scientist with a thing for furries, apparently. His various inventions play a huge role in the game, from the obvious Evolvo-Ray and Cortex Vortex (some sort of pseudoscientific hypnosis doohickey), to less obvious things like very special cotton. Voiced by Brendalina O'Brielina.

Dr. Nitrus Brio: The Neoster's temporary right hand man. A nervous professional scientist who is also a stuttering loser, he was the original inventor of the Evolvo-Ray, but let Cort-i-zone take the credit, due to low self-esteem and inventor laziness. He also enjoys abusing body-altering drugs. Voiced by Brendan of the Brien.

Tawna: The damsel in distress. A delightful she-bandicoot whose character is as deep as her tits are huge. She's so fine, Crash is willing to cross three islands filled with terrible platforming just to fuck her. Like all good women, she never speaks a word in-game.

Aku Aku: A magical wooden mask that watches over Crash. By "watches over", of course, I mean "feebly cowers inside a wooden crate until Crash frees him, after which he can provide minimal assistance by taking one puny hit for". Voiced by Snoop Doggy Brendan O'Brien.

Wartie: A thoroughly useless warthog that Crash likes to ride, if you know what I mean. Cheeky eyebrow waggle. Oh yeah. Voiced by Brendanowitz Brienstein.

Aku Aku del Blanc: Aku Aku's extremely pale third cousin from, as his name suggests, Northern Finland. His delightful personality and charming smile never fail to light up the room. And by "delightful personality and charming smile", I mean "bowel-shattering paleness". Voiced by Not-Conan O'Brien.

President Papu Papu: The staunchly conservative leader of Tribesanistan. In only the second year of his first term, Jerry is struggling to prove himself to his people, and Crash crashing his new immigration reform policy certainly didn't help. Nonetheless, all dissenters would die, so it doesn't really matter if he proves himself to his people after all. Ah, democracy. Also, he's a fatty. Voiced by Bennard Norbie.

Ripper Roo: Cortex's first first test subject. The experiment failed, so he was banished to some obscure waterfall thing on Wumpa Island. (This despite the fact that a perfectly good insanity beach exists on N. Sanity Island.) He likes explosions, and modeling his snazzy new straitjacket, ironically enough, for other men. Voiced by Brian O'Brenden.

Koala Kong: A giant, monstrous koala bear obsessed with hurling boulders at people. We're supposed to take this as some sort of impressive feat of strength, despite the fact that Crashie the weakling is perfectly capable of flinging these boulders back at him, at a higher velocity, too! Voiced by Potatoes O'Brien.

Pinstripe Potoroo: A sharp-dressed potoroo who's Mafi-oh-so terrifying! His mob ties helped him obtain a position as the CEO of Cortex's powerful Cortex Power power company owned by Neo Cortex. He enjoys murdering people with his gun, which he has adorably named Tommy. Voiced by Edmond Hussein O'Brien, Jr.


As the first game in the series, Crash Bandicoot controls relatively simply. Crash Bandicoot can utilize an unimpressive Spin Attack, and also, jump on shit! This is literally all he can do! Yes, seriously!

Crashie will have to utilize all the skills at his disposal in order to clear a bunch of levels and shit. If he's good, he can even destroy all the crates in a given level in order to obtain a Gem of some sort! It might be White. It could also be Blue, or Yellow, or Purple, or Green, or Yellowy Red, or even Homosexually Red! Gems are very important, as evidenced by the fact that Naughty Dog didn't even add them till the last minute in a desperate attempt to make the game interesting.

Oh, right, I almost forgot! You can't get a Gem unless you clear a level without dying, at all. Yes, seriously. Connie Booth is a fucking cunt.

Collecting three special Two-Dimensional Severed Character Heads in any given level will allow the player to access the Bonus Round! Clearing it will let you save the game! Yes, that's right, you have to earn the right to save this game! Really! And if it's one of the two Cortex Bonus Rounds, surviving it will also earn a special Skeleton Key-o'-Cortex, which Crash can use to unlock a secret level, a sly reference to Cortiebelle's locksmith fetish.


First Island: N. Sanity IslandEdit

Level Name Type Collectibles Crates
1 N. Sanity Beach Jungle/Beach Clear Gem 47
2 Jungle Rollers Cheesy Jungle Clear Gem 35
3 The Great Gate Border Fence Clear Gem 26
4 Boulders Indiana Jones Clear Gem 16
5 Upstream Weak Stream Clear Gem 14
BOSS 1 Papu Papu Boss N/A N/A
6 Rolling Stones Cheesy Jungle Clear Gem 46
7 Hog Wild Wartie Rallie Clear Gem 24
8 Native Fortress Border Fence Clear Gem 41

Second Island: Wumpa IslandEdit

Level Name Type Collectibles Crates
9 Up the Creek Weak Stream Clear Gem 13
BOSS 2 Ripper Roo Boss N/A N/A
10 The Lost City Really Fucking Old City Green Gem 26
11 Temple Ruins Really Fucking Old Temple Clear Gem 67
12 Road to Nowhere Really Fucking Old Bridge Clear Gem 28
13 Boulder Dash Indiana Jones Clear Gem 33
14 Sunset Vista Really Fucking Old City Clear Gem, Key to Whole Hog 51
SECRET 1 Whole Hog Wartie Rallie Clear Gem 24
BOSS 3 Koala Kong Boss N/A N/A

Third Island: Cortex IslandEdit

Level Name Type Collectibles Crates
15 Heavy Machinery Greasy Fast-Food Kitchen Clear Gem 30
16 Cortex Power Nuclear Power Plant Clear Gem 35
17 Generator Room Really Fucking Old Temple Generator Orange Gem 44
18 Toxic Waste Nuclear Power Plant Blue Gem 26
BOSS 4 Pinstripe Potoroo Boss N/A N/A
19 The High Road Really Fucking Old Bridge Clear Gem 16
20 Slippery Climb Un-Slippery Castle Wall Pink Gem 31
21 Lights Out Casa de Aku Aku del Blanc Purple Gem 15
22 Jaws of Darkness Really Fucking Old Temple Clear Gem, Key to Fumbling in the Dark 60
SECRET 2 Fumbling in the Dark Casa de Aku Aku del Blanc Clear Gem 17
23 Castle Machinery Greasy Fast-Food Kitchen Clear Gem 24
BOSS 5 Dr. Nitrus Brio Boss N/A N/A
24 The Lab Professional Science Laboratory Yellow Gem 21
25 The Great Hall Angolan Blood Diamond Mine N/A N/A
BOSS 6 Dr. Neo Cortex Final Boss N/A N/A


Reception and LegacyEdit